3 (new) reasons why you should never say “it’s not personal”

Originally published on Mirror on January 16, 2022; an atomic essays series.

It is a controversial phrase, yes — here’s how I think about it and why I steer clear of using it.

What I mean when I think about the phrase
“It’s not personal” or close derivatives like “takes things personally,” means who you are as a person was not the determining factor on pursuing a course of action.

Put differently, the situation or circumstance or behavior in question with another person would result in the same or very similar treatment.

#1: It is interpreted to mean everything but my definition
There’s no consensus definition and most people don’t know what they mean by it — could you even write a definition or how-to guide for yours?

My definition is not synonymous with “you’re overacting,” “you’re too sensitive,” or similar dismissals of feelings. In fact, I expect an emotional reaction to most things, especially bad news (which is often what brings about this phrase).

That said, the emotion(s) felt, how deep and the duration for which they are felt, and related factors are all variables outside of my control. Even the most delicately delivered message(s) can be taken personally.

#2: The counterarguments never address my definition
“But it is personal” is not a legitimate rebuttal to: put a different person in your place and the outcome would be the same.

“It’s hard to not take things personally” is subjective and mindset related.

Opening the gates to this line of discussion is moot.

#3: Understanding is predicated on having life principles
Many people inaccurately perceive feelings to have been overlooked or mental rigidity but these things often net out to: all things considered, this is not worth flexing, adjusting, or discarding my beliefs for…at least in my case.

A person with clear life principles has done the complicated modeling in their head weighing the other factors or interpersonal context and has decided on this course of action.

When you haven’t yet chosen to live by anything, you can roll with everything.

The Takeaway
The principle: Avoid use if you can; ask for a definition when it is heard
The practice/manifestation: Replace yourself in the situation and internalize that the outcome would not have change — it is you agnostic.