Ever since I started my healing journey, I have always stumbled upon the concept of inner work. It always seemed like an abstract concept to me…. too complicated to understand… too difficult to apply. I thought to myself that only the people who have reached a high level of psychological as well as spiritual wisdom are able to navigate it, master it, and ride through it. However, until recently, I have gone through a series of emotional roller coaster events that demystified this concept to me and I finally realised that it’s not that complicated at all!! So, I decided I would be writing it here for those who feel as confused and frustrated as I was. Hopefully, this can help the ones who do not master complicated psychological and spiritual concepts.
I am going to divide this short article into three parts: the meaning of inner work; what usually happens when we don’t do the inner work (aka the importance of doing inner work); and how to do the inner work checklist.
Let’s get to it!
first, what is inner work? In simple terms, inner work is the reprogramming of our subconscious beliefs that tend to sabotage our lives. Ever wondered why you set goals and never start working on them? and if you start you stop mid-way? why instead of going to the gym to shed that extra weight you don’t feel comfortable in, you play video games for hours, binge eat in front of the TV, stay up late and when you wake you feel exhausted and can’t go to the gym…. these are just a few ways in which you sabotage yourself from doing what should be done (according to you).
Ever wondered why, instead of studying for that exam, you keep scrolling through social media, listening to music, even cleaning your room, anything that doesn’t make you do the real thing even if it were considered ‘good’? All the while you are feeling frustrated with yourself, overwhelmed… and you keep asking yourself: why the hell am I not doing what I am supposed to do when I know its importance and it feels like enough motivation to me?? The short answer is ‘your subconscious limiting beliefs that need to be brought to the surface and dealt with’
Now up to the question: what happens if we keep ignoring the need to start doing inner work? How does it usually go within ourselves?
What happens is that there is always a situation which we will call a trigger: We cannot work on our goals, we cannot start that physical glow-up, we cannot practise what we learned, we cannot keep that habit of reading, we are rejected or abandoned by a love interest etc. It feels like everything is going wrong in our lives. This trigger comes with a set of unwanted feelings, and what drives these feelings are the well-hidden beliefs we have about ourselves and the world around us: beliefs about money, work, relationships, love etc. What we tend to do is try to suppress these feelings instead of sitting with them then digging deeper in the subconscious mind and discovering & facing what incorrect beliefs we have. We also tend to pick -unknowingly- unhealthy coping mechanisms that we use to distract ourselves from the unbearable pain of these feelings AND the wounds behind them. Some of these include addictions and bad habits, dissociation (freeze mode), running away from responsibilities etc. Some of these coping mechanisms help us relieve the pain we are feeling momentarily BUT they are against our long-term goals and they tend to make us feel worse about ourselves and life.
If we do not engage in inner work, we will continue living from a place of survival. 99% of our goals do not make it in the real world and life only seems to get worse. Sometimes, we have all the information that it takes to get from A to B, yet we feel unable to do things. The importance of inner work lies in the fact that people thrive after reprogramming their minds and embracing new beliefs. Their perception of life changes completely. Ever noticed that when you’re hopeful about something and when you see life in a good light, you instantly have more energy to do things? It’s how powerful this inner work is.
The next logical question would be: how to do this inner work? what steps are involved in it? Here’s a checklist:
- The most important step is to be mindful, to pay attention to what is going on with our thoughts and feelings and instead of going straight to the coping strategies we always revert to when we are overwhelmed, let’s take a minute or two to pay attention to them, catch them in real-time. Usually, there are feelings right after these triggers.
- We sit with these feelings. Accept that they are here and we are feeling them. We decide to make peace with them and even manage them instead of suppressing them. Let’s take a deep breath and name the feeling: I am feeling disappointed because I cannot bring myself to work on x project, I am feeling sad because Y said he does not want me in his life. It’s okay to feel sad, disappointed, angry and any other feeling. Now, how do we manage them? Everyone is different. Some prefer to cry, some prefer to punch something (hopefully a pillow) to release anger, and some prefer channelling them through a good session of exercising. Whatever works for you, just don’t sit in them the whole time ( and I will tell you how after the reprogramming). Those feelings have behind them wounds that are attached to negative and limiting beliefs.
- These wounds are usually rejection, abandonment, betrayal, injustice, and humiliation. These wounds are behind those feelings and tend to magnify the way we feel because they are attached to the negative beliefs one holds about himself/herself and the world. We are feeling rejected because we took it for granted that we are the problem since everything is going wrong. Whether from childhood, adolescence or adulthood, we are always constructing unconscious beliefs.. it is an ongoing process. Whether we have learned that no matter what we do, we will not be able to earn money, as children who witnessed the poverty of their parents, we will not find a partner that loves us, from a bad young adult love experience, or that the world is not safe for us from a bad experience in adulthood.
- We know now that anything against our beliefs, we cannot function past it. If I believe that I am bad at Maths, I will not do anything to study harder. The issue here is, consciously I want to do something, but something is not letting me, I feel drained, and I consciously only want to make that hidden belief a reality. What to do? reprogramming!! we take a moment to question our beliefs: Is it 100% true that it is impossible to be good at cooking? Is it 100% correct that I cannot do anything right? remember that one time you did something right? Refer here to the cognitive distortions (I will write an article on them very soon). An example of these is all men are cheaters, starting a business from scratch is not worth it etc etc. These are flaws or gaps in our thinking that need to be considered during the reprogramming. The key thing here is to challenge those automatic beliefs that lead to automatic actions that do not serve you.
- All this process is energy-draining, scary, and overwhelming, hence, it is advisable to engage in self-care practices. Well done on feeling those feelings but don’t sit in them forever, since you have analysed them and worked on changing the beliefs behind them. Now, do an activity that brings you joy. Watch a rom-com, read a book, have some ice cream, or go visit a friend, workout, or dance. Whatever brings you joy… but most importantly, take action on what you have been avoiding because of your limiting beliefs. This alone can make you feel so much better. All these should be your new healthy coping mechanisms.
- You should bear in mind that you have functioned with the limiting beliefs for at least years, it takes time to build something from scratch and it takes even more time to erase your old identity and build a completely new one. Your ego will sabotage you now and then. It’s scary because your ego cannot let go of its old identity. It says I am lazy, I am a failure but I am okay with it. The comfort zone and the familiarity are always preferred. Your inner child on the other side will fight for his/her life to stay where they are out of fear; my mom said I was good for nothing, but what if it is still true, what if I fail again even after trying? my schoolmate said I was ugly, why would I want to do a glow-up? it’s not gonna work. We have functioned with these beliefs all our lives and we have taken them as absolute facts. Do you think it would be easy to think and act against them? The right way to deal with your ego and inner child is to be compassionate. If a friend told you they were afraid to win that contest, you would encourage them with all your heart. Do the same with yourself. Learn how to talk to yourself with positivity and compassion. You failed today and proved your beliefs right? you can always try tomorrow. It is not an easy process. Work on that self-talk, ask guidance from god and ask for help from close ones or a therapist if needed….take it slowly.
- Finally, the result of the reprogramming is to cultivate a growth mindset when going about your day. I don’t know how to do x but I can learn how to do it with sufficient effort. I don’t like my hair but I can see what can be done about it (colour it, straighten it, curl it, give it a trim etc). I cannot study but I will cut the distractions and sit down for just 5 minutes to study.
And voila!! this is a complete roadmap to inner work that took me years to realise. It is easy but energy-draining and scary. Inner work is for the courageous.
Until next time, take care!
Sanaa