3 months in motherhood…stopping breastfeeding and what changes
It has been a few months since I last turn on my laptop and spend some me time to browse the internet. Yes…you heard me right, 3 whole months. I recently gave birth to a pair of twins boys, and never would I expect my life will turn upside down like this.
First month
The first few days of my mothermood, I can sense my hormonal changes. I become so sensitive to every little thing. I was crying in the hospital when I hold the kids in my arms. One moment I was filled with happy tears, couldn’t imagine how my tummy can fit in two little babies and they just pop out of it after these 9 months. Then suddenly I was crying again, as if I am saying goodbye to my independent fabulous working lady life.
My mind was going 10000 miles. It was an exciting yet scary happening. I am still so new as a mother, I have no idea if I could be able to handle all these tasks. Given I am having twins, I have more concerns. Would I be able to feed them alright? Did I buy enough clothes for them to wear? What if I don’t have enough milk to breastfeed? The list goes on and on.
I feel like I am losing grip and control of my life and it doesn’t feel good. I was experiencing a serious self identity crisis, i.e. from a lady to mom. You know the only thing that I keep thinking in my head is that I need not to look like a mom to be a mom. During my pregnancy period I was feeling healthy and fit. Yet right after I gave birth, the tiredness seems like never goes away. The kids need to eat every 2–3 hours. I saw my stretch marks and it just brings me down. Post partum body doesn’t look so great neither, everything concerning my wellbeing is falling apart.
In this first month, everything was so hectic to me, everyday pass by so quickly as my feeding schedule is basically looping 24/7, especially double workload for two little ones. I was tired, exhausted, feeling emotional, and wondering if this is going to last forever if this is what being a mother means.
Second month
Time went by so quickly and my husband and mother in law started to pick up some workload. I am a bit less nervous and concern now as I guess practice does make perfect. Getting used to the kids’ drinking schedule, and observing their habits everyday makes me smile. I never thought I would become a mother but somehow this ability comes to me. It’s like I suddenly gained superpower as a parent and my brain just function around their wellbeing all the time. I never know I have it in me, nor in my husband. He proposed to help out and change diapers, also to feed the kids at night so I can get some sleep, even it’s only 4 hours.
I am picking up myself again and feel a bit more settled. I realise I could not give up my career even having the kids, and I do want to have it both. Full time mom is never the option for me. Of course money is on the list, me and my husband need to have better financial control over our budget. Schools, children citizenship, insurance cover, etc. …all of a sudden we are planning for not one, but two people’s lives. The responsibilities seems like a lot, but somehow I don’t know how we just tackle one task as a time.
It is like that saying — with greater power, comes with greater responsibilities. Becoming parent is powerful, you are the power and fuel that groom the children. They exist because of your genes. There is a reason why all this happened. This is the life challenge to learn about unconditional love. It is a tough lesson, but there is so much to gain out of it.
This month, I made a tough decision to stop breastfeeding. I have decided to focus more on maintaining my wellbeing since it’s too exhausting for me. The milk was never enough for two babies and I never have enough sleep. I look dull and starting to lose some of my hair. Given twins are more demanding, breastfeeding might not be the best option for me to raise them. I prefer to have a healthy mind and body to take care of my kids rather than trying to feed them and lost all nutritions and feeling negative.
To be a supermom, you need to feel like one. Grateful that my husband is very supportive on this decision and he also thinks this might work better for us since we are both working parents. It helps to create less tension at home.
So I took a self pampering trip and went to the spa one day, got myself a quick massage fix. Went to the salon and have my hair done. Started my belly binding treatment and felt great as my tummy finally is shrinking and my weight is back to post natal period. I did lose some muscles but I’m gaining my momentum back. I do feel more powerful and am able to give more attention to the kids. I have decided to spend more time with the kids at home before I resume work.
Third month and after thoughts…
Christmas is approaching and it’ll be 100 days celebration for the kids soon! I am about to resume work and I am feeling 80% me ready. Not bad in progress.
Feeling great that I made the decision to stop breastfeeding. Now I’m able to focus more to give out my attentions to them and enjoy the hanging out with the kids. I finally am able to have a 8 hours sleep and feeling so refreshed every morning to say hi to the kids. They are so much bigger now and can respond well when I talk and sing to them. I started to pick up working out again and doing some mild yoga exercise at home. I even dance in front of the babies and they were just giggling when they see me.
I am able to go out and buy Christmas decoration for the kids and get ready for this festive time of the year. I even got them a few cute outfits for the Christmas gathering photo taking at home. I don’t need to worry about rushing to somewhere for milk pumping.
Never did I feel so powerful. I guess becoming a mother does put me to a new perspective. If I can create a human being (and in my situation not one but two) from my body, what else I can’t do? Self confidence going rocket high.
Some mother may insist breastfeeding is a must for the kids, even they are tired and exhausted and created a lot of emotional drama at home, even damaging their relationship with their spouse. My takeaway is, don’t be too harsh on yourself.
Having twins do put me in perspective, there is just so much to give and there is no one perfect for everything!
As women, going through 10 months pregnancy carrying 15 kg on your belly, going through pre/post natal body changes, growing hair on our bodies, we gave up enough to deserve a little pat on our shoulders. We have come a long way and did a great job as a mother. Breastfeeding is the cherry on top, but it is not a must if your body does not allow you to. It is just a choice of your lifestyle. Milk powder is absolutely good enough to provide nutrition for the kids to grow healthy and strong.
I know some mother feel guilty and self sabotage their lifestyle to make themselves seems more useful to the kids. As I say this is just another justification to prove your existence to the kids. Yet, this is an unhealthy cycle and the children will grow one day, having their friends and stop being so clingy. When the time comes, will you rather have your world fall apart because you have no kids to focus on? Or you rather to have a life of your own and still be grateful and happy for your kids to have their own friends?
Mothers out there, take care of yourself so you become so powerful to take care of your family. You can only have the capacity to give love if you love yourself enough.