Cluster B Ableism and How We Discuss Abuse

3 min readMay 17, 2020

CW: Conversations about abuse, Cluster B ableism, ableist slurs mentioned

Let’s talk about abuse and mental illness.

As Bi/M-spec/Mental ill/BIPOC/etc. people, we often deal with an exceptional rate of abuse. We often only get the space to talk about our histories of trauma and abuse when we get to be in community with others. I know I have been able to speak about my history with many of y’all, and honestly, that’s how I got to meet my very beautiful Parisian girlfriend (if that sounds like bragging, it’s ’cause it is, whoops). But, we have to be able to approach our pasts, ourselves, each other, and mental health with kindness, respect, and knowledge.

Conversations of abuse can devolve into extremely ableist rhetoric that often has no basis in reality. Specifically, ableism against Cluster B disorders gets brought up constantly in these contexts.

So let’s first talk about what those disorders are: Antisocial Personality Disorder (often derogatorily referred to as Sociopaths or Psychopaths[which by the way are NOT real medical conditions]), Borderline Personality Disorder (often derogatorily referred to as Borderlines), Histrionic Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (often derogatorily referred to as Narcissists). These disorders are often the result of severe trauma early on in the person’s life and are, honestly, coping mechanisms for abuse in of themselves. What these disorders look like and specifically entail is different for every person, like any mental illness. There is no need or reason for us to speak more about what these conditions entail because, and let me be clear about this, everyone’s experience is different, and if you are trying to figure out how to be friends with someone with these conditions, first, realize the ableism in that (you wouldn’t think that of someone who has anxiety) and second, just fucking ask.

Cluster B disorders, despite very commonly stemming from abuse itself, are highly stigmatized, even in leftist, progressive, “positive” mental health spaces, and *especially* abuse survivor groups. Many of them are harassed for being “inherently abusive” which is not true. No disorder inherently creates abusers, and Cluster B folks are way more likely to be abused than the average population. Furthermore, someone’s mental health is a factor in any case of them being abusive, but I would never refer to my abuse at the hands of someone anxious as anxious abuse. And anyone, ANYONE, mentally ill or not, can be an abuser, and their mental health is a factor in them dealing with their shit, not you recovering from it. In addition, everyone should be held accountable for their actions. People abuse because they make that choice.

There is also a common implication that Cluster B folks abuse in a specific way that is different from any abuser. This is often referred to as narcissistic abuse. Usually, people describe this as being different from other abuse because the abuser either was diagnosed with a Cluster B disorder or the survivor just armchair diagnoses them as such. However, it just isn’t different from other forms of abuse and can be more clearly stated by just talking about what the abuser did. (Examples of better descriptors: verbal abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, emotional blackmail, gaslighting, sabotage, etc.)

I get it. You want a reason that someone abused you and pathologizing them makes it simpler and easier than saying that person just sucked and chose to harm you. You want a reason that someone harmed you, you want something that makes you incapable of causing the pain they inflicted, but it does not help you to see it that way and it actively harms vulnerable people. Sometimes, people are just horrible for no reason, and even if they have a reason, it would never make that harm go away. Finding a reason seems so important after going through abuse, but nothing will be a satisfying conclusion. You will always continue your search until you realize *nothing* is going to make that harm go away and you have to heal knowing that you cannot go back to the before. Hold your wounds with kindness of yourself, and direct your anger where it belongs, at the abuser, not their mental health.

So often, Cluster B folks deal with harsh stigmas, sometimes so great that they are afraid to tell loved ones of their diagnosis due to this idea that they are inherently abusive and that they abuse in a “specific” way. Being compared to your abusers and told you are as bad as them is supremely triggering, and Cluster B folks deal with this everywhere. We will never tolerate this here, and we wanted to lay out why specifically here.