How I fell into a black hole and got out alive
“Get a job!” “ Buy a house!” “Make money!” — Goals that screw your mind over and over again all through your life but are ignited first when you’re done with your education. I was no different. I ventured onto that journey equipped with a hard earned degree in hand and a confident stride forward. But what followed was disappointing and nothing close to what I had imagined.
I wasn’t doing anything related to my degree or anything that challenged me to grow or become wiser. I learned the usual tricks to get the work done by bullying, manipulation and taking advantage of people’s vulnerability. It made me rich but somewhere it resulted in me becoming bitter, insecure and mean.
A few years later, the recession came around and I was left with no job and no money; just a pale shadow of my earlier self with deteriorating health and low self-esteem. In the pursuit of my goals, I had tread a path that was contradictory to my inherent personality.
It’s human tendency that once you are done with your pursuit for external gratification and glory and you find them dis-satisfactory, you have nowhere to look except inward. Is this what I was really striving for?
I gave up setting goals and decided to focus on my mental and physical health, but it wasn’t easy. After all we are all fighting for survival and get tempted and sucked into the race for riches. Instead of facing my inner demons, I kept distracting myself by looking for jobs so that I could find purpose and regain my self-esteem.
In the meanwhile, on the insistence of my friends and family I started focusing on my physical fitness. Gradually, I regained my self-confidence but reconciling with my past was very overwhelming. I didn’t know where to start. I took my time to construct a process. I began reading books, listening to music, making new friends and indulging in learning new things. This different journey led me to an unusual but a new revelation.
Reconciliation is not an overnight process but definitely an important one. It does not happen only by popping pills, fitness trainers, therapists or consistent support from your closest ones. It definitely does not happen by distracting your mind from the darkness of your thoughts. It requires the willingness to reconcile and forgive yourself from within. The process takes time and space to heal, to grow, to learn and to live well once again.
That’s when I finally found a goal to pursue…to reconcile and move on.