Trying to Bear the Unbearable Pain

The past few days I’ve allowed myself to feel into the most painful heartache I’ve ever had in my life. I know at 27 years old, I have a lot of life yet to live, but I can firmly say this pain has cut more profound than ever before.

The pain in my chest, the pain in my heart feels as if it could engulf my entire body. The pain feels like a never-ending black hole that is just sucking me in further and further and further.

Right now I can say, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This year has been my most challenging year thus far.

I have endured heartbreak after heartbreak. I have endured chaos, I have endured cruelty, I have endured violence, I have endured trauma, I have endured unfairness.

It’s difficult to imagine any other way of living at this point.

Pain has truly become my steadfast and this feeling has become all too familiar.

Resiliency has been my go-to, always telling myself I’ve been through much worse and if I pulled myself out of that I can pull myself out of this. Resiliency seems like the only option at this point right? But I have to tell you something, I am tired of being resilient.

The past few days I have not embodied resiliency. I have felt so broken to the point of no repair. I have felt unsupported by life itself. I feel hurt that after enduring so much already — I am being kicked down whilst already at rock bottom.

I’m praying again today, I’m praying for ease, I’m praying for love, I’m praying for softness. My heart is tired, and I’m not sure how much more I can endure. My greatest hope is to find the luminous teaching again.

Usually, I have a full-circle moment. Usually, I can find a deeper meaning. Usually, I can see the light at the end of a dark tunnel. But today, I am not even sure about tomorrow.