I want an AI with emotion intelligence
I am beginning this blog in another terrible night. I finally made up my mind writing all these done. I hope to advertise the idea of AI with emotion intelligence, since I had bad experience myself, and really wish no one would experience such things again, including me.
I, a Ph.D student in Physics, a 23-year-old girl, just survived a suicide this year. I wanted a personable AI for myself and my family two month ago, and I still want it for myself and for all human.
For some reasons ( It’s still to0 painful to write those down, to chew over. ), I dropped into depression. During that period, many people around me have been aware of that, they advised me go for counseling. After lots of such suggestion, and horrible mental suffering, I did make appointment, then I canceled. I tried to make appointment over and over again, but I just can’t. In fact, because I paid health center fee, paid insurance, I can get treatment with charge or nearly without charge. And it is just five minutes’ walk for me to go there from my apartment, however, by no means am I able to do that. I simple can’t. To make things worse, I constantly want to escape from others, have a fear of talk, especially with professors, pretend to be happy. At the same time, I was thinking, plotting, and designing my death, I wanted a decent death without negative news. I didn’t die very quickly because I terrible hate and afraid of such new: a 22-year-old Chinese girl, well educated, with a happy family, one publication, more than two years’ research experience, finally committed suicide after pursuing Ph.D in physics in the U.S., died as a virgin never had any boyfriend while turned down a lot of good boys (maybe in the name of pursuing an academic career or just Ph.D degree , maybe, together with a photo of mine and another one of my families. This kind of news made me terribly terribly sick, so I suspended my suicide and began to plot a decent death though it was quite painful! How many time I wanted to give up and just commit suicide! At first, I want a clever AI, so that after I died, the AI can still interact with others, creating an illusion that I was still alive, just occupied by other things, preventing me from physically show up. Later, I wish I had an AI with emotion intelligence that can talk to me, release my pain and pressure as keeping on to be alive was so hard and painful.
It is not because no one talked to me or tried to help me out. My parents and families love me very much, we talked on the phone every day, even several times a day, and nearly talked via video every day. Many of my friends tried to help me. They are very kind and excellent, most are Ph.D students or post doctors, four are in Ivy league College. I also have a wonderful roommate, I am not living alone, I’m not alone in office either. Besides, as I said, I can go counseling whenever I like, without financial issues. However, I just can’t be reached. I even deliberately escape or put on a mask. There were a lot of nights when I constantly holding my cell phone, wanted to call my mom, then I stop, sometimes I cried by myself, sometimes just kept silent and felt the pain, physically and mentally. I often overeat to feel the pain and kept doing this until I can’t control but vomit, then I repeated again. Last month, I found just starving myself can also generate pain good enough for me, so I did both, overeat and starving. On the one hand, I hardly eat regularly after I came to the U.S. (though I was never like this when I was in China), on the other hand, I am obsessed with the physical pain so that I am numb and don’t paid much attention to my mental pain. There is another better way, coding overnight. Coding is a process of failure. I was badly badly beaten, maybe, I just want to practice more. And if the code finally ran, I felt OK.
To this point, you may feel that I am insane and you are about to call 911. Stop! I was insane, but I am basically OK now. Leave 911 for those more needed. To be honest, writing these down and knowing that there might be people read these make me feel bad, or even insulted, disgraceful ( I am not native speaker, my English may not good enough to get myself across sometime. ), however, I still decide to keep writing all my stories for the following reasons:
1, I hope others know the importance of AI with emotion intelligence and even start action.
2, For the research of such AI, scientist may need to analysis more cases to built the algorithm, my case is a useful data.
3, I hope people face similar situation can keep on and survive, I can survive, so can you! And you should know that I know your pain, since I have survive, I am thinking about putting all my effort to create something for you and for others’ happiness.
4, My four-month suffering may be traced back to one person, ( but he is actually a good man, and I still respect him now. ), so I hope you can paid attention to your behavior, not to hurting others badly over and over again, not abuse others, even if you have to do so, not too frequently, absolute not every day!
5, If it is not my parents, families, friends, teachers , I really have no chance to survive. So sometimes, you mean much more than you have ever imagined. Love others and love yourself!
6, I still feel bad sometime ( But absolutely not that bad nor that frequently, and I don’t want to commit suicide now.), especially, I suffer from stomaches everyday, and sometime I am so stressful. I used this for healing, and to thanks my mom at the same time, since becoming a writer is her dream.
I will explain more about the importance of personable AI in the next writing. If you can see the importance of AI, spread my blog as I want to do it, make it and I need help. But now, I hope to write something simply for myself. And all of my experience written are for the first five purposes stated above. For the girl named Sun, you just need to remember the following thing and delete all other information.