Day 1:

Somehow, I manage to be arrogant and self-conscious at the same time.

It’s strange. I am completely confident in my current ability, but when I look forward I start to feel very incompetent and lose hope. I have a very high image of myself, but it gets shaken easily when I start trying to put myself in other people’s shoes, facing and observing me.

A very good current example would be the Conservatoire audition. I play and practice piano in an almost masturbatory fashion, in that I am driven by impulse, spontaneity, and passion. Good side is that I am very fast compared to most people at “quick studying”, or learning a piece extremely fast and up to performance standard. Bad side is that I end up not being terribly consistent, which I only recently started noticing. When I think of my playing right now, I am very approving of my own style, which I can excuse as unique; but when I think about the audition, I start to worry that my mixed success will bite me in the ass. Even for one of the recordings I did for the Glenn Gould School audition, I gave a very solid performance ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT I skipped an entire section of the piece and didn’t notice. Right now, I can look at the overall effect of my playing, but when I think ahead to February I realize that it’s a one shot deal.

Another example is in my interpersonal relationships. Being an obnoxious little bitch, I’ll often be “overly warm” (also described as “creepy” or “gay” O.O) with my friends. Often, I get a reaction that makes it feel like my presence is being recognized, whether it’s slight exasperation, happiness, or some sort of comedic backlash. Recently, one of my better (best?) friends and I have gotten closer, and an issue that continues to rattle me is that they are generally very unresponsive and not proactive in contact. Basically, I would do something and they would either seem to completely not acknowledge it or just give me a wistful glance and make me guess at what they are thinking. Somehow, I would even prefer a negative reaction than a lukewarm or ambiguous one. It isn’t much better that I feel like I am chasing them down to talk with them, be with them, etc., which makes me question what I am worth to them. I dunno about how this issue will resolve itself, but either it will be that they become more proactive to suit my desire for a reaction and recognition or that I stop being a child and understand them better. Probably will end up being the second.

It’s funny that one of the most common detractions I receive is that I am an arrogant prick, when I really feel like I am helpless when people don’t give me their recognition and attention. Might just mean I’m an attention whore.

Lots of scattered thoughts in the morning. Today, I reflected on my self-esteem/ego. It might be interesting if other people also reflect on this aspect for themselves too, because then they might understand or sympathize with the sentiments I expressed.

Day 2:

I have always had a fascination with “pure strategy games”.

Games like chess, which I have played extensively over the past year, and Lunarch Studio’s new Prismata, are prime examples of this.

For the sake of this post, I will also consider piano a “pure strategy game”. My justification for this is that musical shaping is very “strategic” by nature. The key in music is contrast. Planning out your execution for the entirety of a piece requires quite a bit of foresight, just like in other “pure strategy games”.

For games like Call of Duty, there are many many factors outside of strategy. Execution luck is one such factor. Even if you planned out the perfect strategy with your perfect game insight, missing a crucial headshot or screwing up a grenade can often just make you lose. For piano, there is a similar aspect, but muscle memory is much more controlled and straightforward in piano than in Call of Duty. Basically, execution luck keeps players on their toes: even if you are understanding the game and using the perfect decision for the situation, there is still the element of “not screwing up”.

I studied poker a lot after I had a small interest in it. This is in many ways the ultimate “strategy game”, since it is an example of a game where the better players usually come out on top. Playing 1000 chess games against your friend is unreasonable and exhausting, but playing 1000 poker hands is much more straightforward. However, there is an element that makes this game strangely frustrating to learn (since learning requires short-term feedback as reinforcement): RNG. You can calculate that based on your opponent’s perceived tightness with their hands, their odds of ripping a full house on the river to beat your straight is only 4%, and so you can safely bet (or even raise). However, 1 in 25 games with this situation you will get utterly screwed when their out does come down. Most situations are not this extreme and instead have smaller “odds advantages”. Imagine learning poker when you are making appropriate decisions, but you are pretty much being repeatedly punished for them. Losing money on losses also limits the amount of “education” a person can afford before the game just becomes too expensive.

Imagine a game like rock paper scissors. Tell me, which is the best sign? This is a ridiculous question, because no hand in this game has an advantage. But then, how is it that certain signs beat other signs? The results of who wins and who loses comes down to a showdown. This kind of “matchup luck” is more commonly called yomi luck. A less extreme example of yomi luck is Starcraft, or any other real-time strategy game. Many strategies fall flat on their back if the opponent, in the safety of the “fog of war” (limited vision), happened to pick a countering strategy. Of course, in Starcraft you can play “gambits” where you sacrifice a worker to scout the opponent’s base. But yomi luck is nevertheless a huge part of Starcraft, which is actually considered a quite luckless game. League of Legends also has the element of yomi luck, in that some of the best champions often have a disgusting counter that is otherwise not too viable, and that by nature makes that counter a viable champion. Weird metagame stuff. Magic: the Gathering is probably the greatest example of a game dominated by yomi luck, not only in deck matchups but also in calculations of play lines where you can instantly lose if the opponent is holding a certain card and you have to play around these “mind games”. (In piano, I can argue that yomi luck comes into effect in competitions where playing certain pieces in contrast to certain opponent pieces gives you a slight advantage in adjudication, but this is very convoluted.)

When we take away execution luck, RNG luck, and yomi luck, we get a specimen which is purely based on strategy. Not even chess or Prismata get the honour of being a pure strategy game though (unless both players get a chance at white and black). Go or Reversi is closer to a pure strategy game than both of these, especially if the rule where one puts down two stones for black and one for white then the other player can pick the colour they want is used. Also, the huge number of turns that need to be played in addition to pretty much absolute domination of inferior players by superior players ensures that the better player usually wins. (I can think of too many chess games, in my own experience and in higher level games, where “tactical vision luck” can bring someone from a slightly winning position to a strictly losing position in one or two moves.)

“But why are you telling me all of this bullshit, Tim?”

Good question, class.

Have you ever wished you were born into a better situation? I know I have. Imagine being rich as fuck and living inside a perfectly functional and 100% supportive family that also managed to foster a very strong sense of morality. Also, being born hot as absolute fuck and turning heads just by existing.

Of course, I can’t decide this sort of thing. In fact, I can consider myself “lucky” I wasn’t born in some impoverished country and dead before my third birthday because of malaria or AIDS (or EBOLA KEKEKEKEKEK :kappa☺. This is in some way life’s “yomi luck”. We are born a certain way and have to face life and other people with the skill order, class, and equipment we were given at birth.

Name: Tim Min
Race: Gnome (Asian Human)
Class: Dark Chaos Warrior (Flamboyant Quasi-Metrosexual)
Stats: 40/100 Strength, 80/100 Intellect, 9000/100 Charisma (obviously)
Equipment: TI-83, kawaii scarves
Skills: Innuendo (Level 5), Verbosity (Level 4), Male Gender Attraction (Level 10000000)

Life is a shitty RPG. Perfect.

Now, think about some critical crossroads throughout your life. Maybe there was one really crucial argument with a friend, one decision about which high school you go to that you have to make, one really important essay to write for a university application.

Hey look, execution luck has a role! You have to not only know what to do, but also do it right. I think everyone has screwed up at least once in their life.

Now, imagine sitting around in an office working your shitty job, when suddenly you have the urge to check the lotto numbers for next week, and lo and behold you just won $13 million.

This is a super fringe case of RNG luck. A better example would be being lab partners with a future CEO of some huge tech company and using that connection to land a high-paying management job, or meeting your future spouse after you fell out of a tree saving a cat.

When you think about how much luck is integrated into your life, it raises the question: Do you “deserve” more or less success, based on your various strategic decisions? Imagine getting a divorce with your spouse of 15 years because they are irritable. Turns out, they just had a benign tumour in their brain, which they had taken out after he suddenly inherited a long lost relative’s huge company. They revert back to the person you fell in love with, get married with someone strictly better than you, and leave you in your room crying while binging on misordered anchovy pizza.

In this situation, you made a completely reasonable and in fact correct decision; however, somehow life manages to punish you for it.

When I play piano, everything starts as nothing and ends as nothing. I have ultimate control over the keys. The audience is under the spell cast by my fingers. I control time, I control mood, I control the message. Absolute control. Something achievable in everyday life.

Bruce Pandolfini, famously portrayed by Ben Kingsley in “Searching for Bobby Fischer”, wrote these words:

“Playing chess gives us a chance to start out life over again, and this time, no one has more money than us, no one is more beautiful, no one lives in a better neighborhood, and we all go to the same school. Other than having the first move (and this benefit is shared equally) no one starts with any unfair advantage.”

[Bruce Pandolfini, 2000]

I think this is enough to show why I have such a fascination for “perfect strategy games”.

Yet another day of morning ramblings. Today, I reflected on my escape from reality through games. It might be interesting if other people also reflect on this aspect for themselves too, because then they might understand or sympathize with the sentiments I expressed.

Day 3:

My family and many of my friends say that I have very weird standards of beauty.

Refuting that is a strictly uphill battle, because I absolutely agree. I don’t think in my life I have ever been able to decide for myself if someone was attractive or not.

My primary judgment when I first see someone is, “Their overall effect looks comfortable/uncomfortable”, and the elements of their personality help to differentiate different people such that if I were forced to make a ranking, everyone could be placed somewhere on a gradient.

Obviously for judging women, there are more carnal things that catch my attention (and I need not elaborate), but somehow that still ends up going back to the “comfortable” factor. Maybe because fertile-looking women also end up looking a bit motherly? I dunno.

But obviously, while growing up my parents have always tried to show me their views on beauty. “Woah, look at her wonderfully shaped chin!” Uh, chins? Cool. “Look, she has such big eyes and such pale skin!” But mom, vampires are scary. “Look at how thin and tall that girl is! Just like a model!” Eh, no boobs, would not be fun to hug.

And then of course the Western viewpoint is added to confuse me further:

“Dayum, look at that rack and ass!” But their face is a little…unsettling.

That’s the only example I can think of for girls right now, actually. Well, aside from the fact that Western views on Asian beauty are largely different than Asian views on Asian beauty. Someone here might say some Asian girl is very hot, but in China people would find them either average or revolting. Strange.

For guys, I can really only judge appearance by how symmetrical their face is, if the size of their head matches their physique, if their physique is fit in the first place, etc. Very superficial, because somehow I am more mentally indifferent to how males look. but then I am also a lot less critical on personality traits of my bros. I dunno.

But what am I trying to accomplish rambling on about my confusion about what beauty is?

I don’t know. I guess I just really want to bring it up and see how people react.

I must wonder, do people usually think like me, simply looking at whether someone looks comfortable to you and is therefore inherently attractive, or is beauty really a largely societal thing where we are tied to our own personal decided rankings of the attractiveness of our peers?

Especially for all of my guy friends, I can look at them and think “Yup, very comfortable to look at”, which is nice if I want face-to-face conversations. Animated faces are also nice, because I find them much more fascinating than someone with a stone wall tied to the front of their head. Also, warm personalities pull me in.

For platonic girl friends, that comforting look and behavior is even more important for some reason. It sounds weird to say that because women have a “soothing” appeal to them simply because they (obviously) are naturally able to evoke that motherly feeling, somehow it is just so easy to surround oneself with girls who are very comfortable-looking and feeling to you that you just do so self-consciously. Whereas for guys sometimes I can still feel at ease if they have a sort of “borderline” appearance+feel (maybe just that slight edginess), somehow when a girl is like that it registers some sort of dissonance and I immediately feel uncomfortable.

Maybe this is just some internal, natural, biological sexism. I dunno.

For girls I can see myself with (so non-platonic girl friends), somehow all that stuff about comfort is even more important, but added into the mix is outside opinion. Maybe I’ve just had too many experiences where liking someone not considered acceptably attractive by most people led to weird looks, heckling, and even attacks on my masculinity and the like. So, it’s unfortunate that in the end potential romantic partners have to be measured by societal standards in the end, but honestly I know so many amazing females in my life whom I would be potentially willing to date that restricting the pool to “conventionally attractive people” barely dents it. And everyone who gets “eliminated” (these terms are becoming more and more disputable) is probably part of my “comfortable platonic girl friends” group because they are so damn nice and awesome to be around, so I think that being around a judgmental prick like me would be a disservice to them anyways.

So, yeah. A rambling post about my views on attraction. Main tenets:

1) Comfortable holistic impression > societal convention
2) Platonic guy friends must suit reasonable levels of comfort
3) Platonic girl friends suit levels of comfort even more, leaning towards a “motherly” side (just thought of the exception of very bro-like tomboys)
4) Non-platonic girl friends end up being subject, to a small and usually non-essential degree, to societal standards.

Maybe it’s basically, “Comfortable looks are what Tim looks at, until he has to consciously consider attractiveness at 4)”.

The thing is, in my life I have yet to meet someone, male or female, who is so revolting to look at that I would not friends with them regardless of their personality. Although I do admit good looks to make me want to be friends with someone more (good looks natural evoke “good traits” like trustworthiness), personality is a huge part. As long as someone is comfortable enough to look at without my eye twitching and has a comfortable, not jarring personality, friendship is often naturally a result.

Maybe I’m setting my standards way too high for non-platonic girl friends. Hell, it’s probably even unrealistic considering I’m not some super attractive person myself. But I think it’s very natural to want to be with the best. In fact, I daresay people if given the opportunity would always shoot “out of their league”. Good romantic relationships are not where both people are just right for each other. They are especially not where both members think the other is not good enough for themselves. Good romance is where both people feel the other is too good for themselves.

It’s sorta like, we take a ranked list of all the people we are attracted to then cut out all the people we rank lower than ourselves in attractiveness, and everyone else does the same. If you are still on each other’s lists, then it should work out.

Maybe the point of the post is just something really generic like “We’ll just naturally be attracted to the one we are meant to love”. But more realistically, it’s:

“People no longer judge beauty purely for themselves. We are being influenced too much. We are being limited. Tim Min is an asshole for judging women (and men) like he did in this post.”

Maybe writing like this was a very bad idea and anyone who has read up to this point is completely lost and can’t relate. Or maybe it was a great idea and will make people think.

[I dunno, I hope this isn’t coming off as very offensive. PM me with complaints and I will change it around.]

A very cluttered mess of thoughts on this disgusting green Christmas morning in Waterloo.. Today, I reflected on my “beauty standards”. It might be interesting if other people also reflect on this aspect for themselves too, because then they might understand or sympathize with the sentiments I expressed.

Day 4:

Just now after I got out of the shower and got dressed, I heard familiar sounds coming from the living room. “Holy shit, Dad’s watching Legend of the Condor Heroes!” I excitedly run downstairs to watch it again and remember those precious childhood days spent with Guo Jing and Huang Rong.

I went upstairs just five minutes later, feeling glum. I wish I hadn’t gone downstairs.

As I was watching, I noticed some things that my younger self did not notice in his absolute fascination with the show (given the novelty of wuxia shows at the time):

1) Since the original voicing was in Cantonese, the mouths do not match to the Mandarin voices;

2) The fighting scenes are so damn cheesy. Block movements. Synchronized footwork. Exact parries and dodges. It’s like watching two people dance, except both people are old Chinese men wearing Song dynasty get-ups;

3) The scripting itself is so over-the-top, extreme, melodramatic, all that. It was obviously more effective when I was younger and was not as seasoned as I am now listening to rhetoric and play on words, but still. What the hell;

4) Guo Jing acts and sounds so stupid. The scripting along with the Eeyore-like tone of his Mandarin voice makes him just come off as an absolute idiot, not the lovable one I remember;

5) Oh god the film grain.

This is compounded with the fact that this is the first time I watched the show since finding out, to my younger self’s horror, that the actress for Huang Rong committed suicide after filming this show. She will always be remembered as the best Huang Rong ever on Chinese television, but I really think watching her on screen made me feel a bit of sorrow (she was my childhood woman ideal).

Basically, I just went ahead and ruined my good memories of the show. Pooh.

But on the bright side, I have the inspiration for today’s post that no one will see.

I want to be able to control my own impression of the past. I want everything to be happy and perfect, just like that first time I watched Legend of the Condor Heroes and I would have dreams of fighting with my role model Guo Jing and the love of my life Huang Rong.

Right now, when I think about my childhood, fragments of happy times show up, like when my Dad dressed up as Santa Claus, when my mom told me about her childhood while I was in the bath, when my grandparents taught me math and Chinese at the kitchen table. But then when I look at the whole picture, it’s all so unhappy, riddled with crying, tears, conflict, chaos.

I’m sure that most of the times were happy. I’m sure.

But now when I look back I can only remember the times where I went ballistic and bawled and kicked and screamed and seriously wanted it to all end.

I have a friend who I met in Grade 7. Even now, they are someone who I am rather attached to and fond of.

In Grade 8, they and I had a physical encounter that ended very badly. Even now when I look at them I think back to their crying face and to the reason why it started: over a stupid game. Whenever I play that game I feel a pang of guilt for caring so much about it back then that I would hurt my own friend. I ruined my good memories with that friend and my memories of biking to people’s houses in middle school asking them to come and play Magic with us.

Then of course, the times where I made bad social choices and pay for them now by being haunted by my decisions and always asking myself “why the hell?”

And then all the absolutely heartbreaking moments involving a piano or me playing the piano. Whether it was the back of my tiger mom’s hand that crashed down on me when I hit a wrong note, or just moments of crushing defeat where I can’t overcome myself or get recognized by someone. How I manage to practice now is beyond me, but I sometimes just stop and stare at the keyboard, then have to take a very deep breath and force myself to focus.

I will never forget how bad I inadvertently pissed off my math coach the first time I was at ARML. I really want to apologize to him, but when I last saw him this past June, I had just come out of the washroom and wanted to immediately go back in because I felt uneasy.

When there is one bad thing in a whole pile of good things, I end up picking up that bad thing and saying, “Why is there a pile of shit in front of me?”

I think I am too affected by the past. I am unable to move on.

When I see people, I try so hard to make the first, second, tenth, hundredth encounter perfect that it probably comes off as fake.

The realest encounters I have had are also the bad ones. What a curse.

And what a shitty moodkiller on this Boxing Day evening. Today, I reflected on how I look back at the past. It might be interesting if other people also reflect on this aspect for themselves too, because then they might understand or sympathize with the sentiments I expressed.