“Only when you have secured your own oxygen mask should you attend to other persons in need of your assistance.”
This was the first visual that came to mind when I started writing about showing up for yourself.
Now, it may be that I traveled by air a bit too much this year, but this part of the inflight safety brief applies quite well to today’s topic.
We live our lives influenced by what others think and what social norms say we should feel and do. But in the process of trying to please everyone, we lose sight of what we want to accomplish.
In a way, it’s like trying to help other people with their oxygen masks while you leave yours still hanging from the ceiling.
When you show up for yourself, you follow the safety instructions — you first take care of your own well-being so you’ll be able to support others who need your help.
What Does Showing Up for Yourself Mean?
According to ChatGPT (yes, we have long and insightful conversations), showing up for yourself means recognizing your own worth and taking deliberate actions to nurture and support your physical, emotional, and psychological needs. It’s a commitment to self-love, self-respect, and self-growth, and it can positively impact your overall happiness and life satisfaction.
Simple enough, right?
But it’s the “recognizing your own worth” part that I’ve been struggling with for the past 20 years.
This is a bit of a personal story, so if you don’t feel like suffering through it, skip to the tips 🙂
As a young adult, I had no idea what I wanted with life. There were also no role models around while I was growing up. So, I did what most people in my situation do — I shaped my life around what society told me to do:
Get a degree, get a job, and get married — the trifecta that is supposed to ensure your ever-lasting bliss.
For years, I pushed down my own desires for the benefit of the relationship. And it wasn’t because anyone forced me. I was quite comfortable since this was what I saw at home and all around me.
It took being faced with the reality of living on my own to understand I had no idea who I was.
The trifecta didn’t work for me, and I had no interest in trying again. For the first time in my life, I started looking inward and asking:
What do I want to do with my fleeting moment on Earth?
While doing all kinds of soul-searching, I realized that to truly show up for yourself, you have to take steps to learn who you are, what you like, and what matters to you. It is a difficult conversation you need to have with yourself, but the sooner, the better.
I realize not everyone has the luxury of time and space needed to figure themselves out. I was lucky in that aspect. But when you prioritize work, family, and social obligations over your needs and wants, you end up feeling disconnected and stuck.
When you feel stuck, it’s easier to choose procrastination over productivity, which leads to a lack of motivation and keeps you in the same vicious circle for years on end.
Tips on How to Show Up for Yourself
The only way to break free from this state of just existing for others is to show yourself some love and start showing up day after day. Start small and build a foundation of trust and confidence in your worth. It won’t take much, and you’ll see positive changes in your life that will also benefit the ones who love and support you.
Make Peace with Your Inner Critic
Showing up for yourself is a lengthy process, but I think it starts with compassion, acceptance, and care.
The trick is that you have to direct all these positive feelings toward yourself.
Isn’t it weird that we can be compassionate, accepting, and caring toward our friends, family, romantic partners, children, and even acquaintances, but we can’t do that for ourselves?
Integrating positive self-talk into your daily life is one of the most important changes you can make.
Most people have a Debbie Downer in their head who constantly criticizes their actions and puts them down on every occasion. If it goes on for long enough, negative self-talk has some pretty nasty effects, such as mental health issues, lack of motivation, anxiety, and more.
How to show up for yourself
Put your inner critic on mute for at least a couple of hours each day. During this time, practice kindness toward yourself. Be your own supportive voice, and don’t allow your mind to turn on you.
Remember, each mistake or failure is an opportunity to learn and grow. So, every time things don’t go the way you want, acknowledge what you have done and identify what you could do better next time.
When you’re kind to yourself, you overwrite some of the mental patterns that lead to self-criticism. In time, you’ll learn to show yourself love and compassion, just like you do with everyone else around you.
Extra tip: If you want to learn more about how to practice self-love, check out this video from Psych2Go
Have a Self-Care Routine that Fits Your Needs
I’m not talking about taking a bubbly bath with a glass of wine in one hand and a good book in the other (although the scenario is quite appealing).
We’ve been brainwashed by clever marketing strategies to think that self-care is having a massage or going to brunch with friends. While these are fun things to do, self-care goes deeper than that. And it often doesn’t involve spending money.
Self-care is different for each person, and it’s about doing things that help elevate your physical and emotional health (or lift your spirits, if you will).
How to show up for yourself
Self-care can include things like getting enough rest, eating well, exercising, and managing stress. But it’s also about learning what makes you feel better and helps recharge your energy supplies.
In my case, I love lazy mornings and fiction. There’s nothing better than exploring new worlds from the perspective of my favorite authors and creators! Writing is also an activity I enjoy because it helps me free my mind and make room for new thoughts.
To figure out what works for you, do a bit of introspection and try to answer these two questions:
- What makes you feel good and refreshed?
- What makes you feel drained and exhausted?
When you do things that go against your core beliefs and needs, you’ll end up feeling worse.
So make peace with your quirks and find the things you truly enjoy and need — not what society says you should enjoy.
Extra tip: Check out this video from How to Adult on how to design a self-care action plan.
Learn to Say No and How to Let Go
I’m a people pleaser in recovery.
I still feel extremely uncomfortable when I refuse requests from people who are close to me. Heck, I feel uncomfortable when I have to point out a problem with a product or service I purchased.
But with each “no,” I say my world gets a bit better. Nowadays, I’m even comfortable refusing someone’s request without giving a reason (I’m wild!).
When you learn to be comfortable with saying “no,” you also learn to set boundaries. And since you won’t be overcommitting to others at the expense of your own needs, you’ll have way more time and energy for yourself.
It’s also a great way to learn to prioritize your own goals and be more proactive about pursuing what you want.
Speaking up and advocating for what you need can be scary when you’ve never done it before. But it’s extremely empowering!
Don’t get me wrong, there will be close people who will look at you differently (because you’ve changed and they don’t recognize you), but this is where learning to let go comes in.
Every adult is responsible for their own way of thinking and decisions. So, even though it may be heartbreaking if someone can’t accept this new version of you who is more empowered and opinionated, it’s best to let them go.
You can’t change anyone’s mind — only your own.
But letting go doesn’t have to be this dramatic. You can take small steps like not finishing that book that’s been sitting on your nightstand for months or donating clothes and items you haven’t used in over a year.
Learning to let go is an incredibly freeing experience, and it starts with putting your feelings and needs first.
Key Takeaways
Showing up for yourself starts with an honest discussion with yourself. You can do this through journaling, having a chat with a person you trust, or simply finding a quiet corner and thinking things through.
Start by asking yourself questions like, “Who do you want to be, and how do you want your life to turn out?“
The answers may not show up right away, so pay attention to your daily behavior. Do you often put your wants and needs behind everyone else’s? Do you feel those around you do not hear your voice? Are you always the one who has to compromise to keep everyone happy?
If you answer “yes” to any of the questions above, it’s time to start showing up for yourself.
