I dine out at least once a day and consider visiting a locale’s restaurants one of the top highlights of any vacation. So, though they never cause me to eat any less or to curb my meal budget, I have accumulated plenty of frequent restaurant complaints that cause me to gripe anew on a daily basis.

I thought I would compile them here, to be updated whenever a curmudgeon mood takes me:

1. Sanitation. Having an “A” from the state’s health department should not be where an establishment’s cleanliness responsibilities end. I not only care about how you prepare the food. It needs to be presented and handled with hygiene in mind as well. First off, when you clear a table, clean a table. If there are no new table cloths, then wipe the table free of all debris and remnant crumbs, then sanitize it with disinfect it, rather than the same damp, dingy dishrag the wait staff has been pushing around for hours. Also, don’t just attend to the table top, wipe the seats (including cushions and crevices) and the floor where food, drinks and napkins fall. Sometimes, even when I’m wearing closed-toed shoes, I become anxious thinking about the horrors that my feet are encountering on the floor. Each diner deserves a space free of crumbs, sauce smudges, fallen napkins and memories of meals past.
2. Clean Discreetly. Restaurants do their most thorough cleaning when the establishment is empty. That’s why I only frequent questionable places as soon as they open, before the unwashed masses have had time to defile every surface. However, it’s important that real cleaning continues even while customers are there. I appreciate when the staff does more than just half-halfheartedly dab at the table top before seating a new guest, but I also resent it when they dust, flip or sweep so boisterously that crumbs from the last meal are sent flying through the air onto adjacent diners. Robust is good, but watch where the particles are flying. Basically, it often feels like the last person’s trash is being dumped on my plate. I know you’re eager to seat whoever’s next, but it should not be at the expense to those still trying to enjoy their repast. Be diligent, in clearing vacated tables, but use small, limited gestures so as not to disturb everyone who is still eating, within a 10 foot radius.
3. Garbage in, garbage out. Don’t taint sanitary items by putting them on unsanitary surfaces. I hate when restaurants without table cloths, put my eating utensils down on an uncovered table top. Since the tables are usually only half clean, any illusions I had about the sanitary qualities of my cutlery disappear as soon as you lay them on a lazily wiped surface. Put the utensils on a napkin, at the very least. It also makes me wary when a waiter uses the same (unwashed) hands to serve me my fresh food that he used to clear away someone else’s empty dishes. My “clean” plate is then tinged with the saliva and uneaten food from countless other meals.
4. Rubber Gloves Have no Special Immunity. I often wish that food servers wore rubber gloves just like the food handlers do, but what would be the point, since most of those handlers never change their gloves often enough? They touch everything with the rubber gloves, food, cash register, telephone, money. It’s as if they think the gloves have some innate self-cleaning function which keep them germ-free, no matter how they’re used. Once you’ve touched anything else but the food and the preparation surface with your rubber gloves, it’s time to take them off and put on a new, fresh pair.
5. Hibachi Horror. Many hibachi chefs aren’t content just to let us see them preparing the meal. They want to “entertain” us as well. I don’t know who decided that tossing and food preparation would make a good combination (was it you Benihana?) but I don’t agree with them. I don’t like shrimp. I don’t order shrimp. I’m fine if others at my table consume it, but I don’t like it when you throw the shrimp tails into the air, into your cap, or onto my plate for sport. I consider them gross and uncleanly and don’t want them touching the plate which holds the food I did order. Face it, you are cooks, not jugglers, not circus performers. So, your food tricks fail 50% of the time. Your goal may be to flip the discarded food into your pocket, but it frequently fails to land there. Stop trying. It may be fun for the kids at the table when you “jokingly” threaten to put shrimp tells or raw egg shells on their plates, but half the time you drop the spatula and the junk actually does end up on the plate. I’m not laughing. Stop throwing food — and that goes double for the knives.
6. Hydration. Understandably, restaurants feel that getting your food out to you promptly is number one on the agenda. But, frankly, I can’t eat unless I have something with which to wash the food down. This is especially true when I’ve ordered spicy food. Refills should be a top priority. My waiter often disappears after leaving my food and I spend the next 20 minutes trying to catch his eye to get a drink refill. If it is too time-consuming for you to refill drinks, then just bring beverage pitchers to the table or give us larger glasses, so we won’t need seconds so often. I am a chronic iced tea drinker and, by necessity, those beverages contain lots of ice. There’s often so little actual liquid that my glass will be completely drained in 3 swallows. Anticipate this and plan accordingly. I can’t enjoy my food without a drink. So, it grows cold and hard while I wait for more liquid. I might as well be in the Sahara. If you were charging by the glass, I bet you’d be more conscientious about refreshing the drink. I’d be willing to pay for soft drink refills, just to receive them in a timely manner.
7. Menus. The nicer establishments turn their nose up at the idea of laminating their menus, but if that’s the only way you can keep them clean, you need to do it. If you can’t wipe them off daily, then you need to inspect and replace them entirely on a weekly basis, if not sooner. Since menus should be taken away before the food arrives, I don’t know how they manage to get so filthy and sticky, but they do, especially in Italian restaurants where the menu pages seem to have collected marinara sauce stains from the stone age. If I feel contaminated after reading your menu, the odds that I am going to enjoy the rest of what your restaurant has to offer decrease exponentially.
8. Where Have All the Spoons Gone? Restaurants have stopped including spoons in the place settings. I miss them because I use them to fish seeds out of my iced tea after I squeeze in the lemon. That’s not a use that etiquette sanctions, I’m afraid, but it’s vital to me.
9. Ditch the Table Greenery. Nature is lovely and there’s nothing like dinner al fresco . But for indoor dining I’d rather not commune with bugs and insects. Don’t put plants and flowers on the table if they tend to attract flying or crawling nuisances. I have enough on my plate worrying about the bugs that might be in the restaurant’s kitchen. I don’t want to invite new ones into the dining area.
10. Don’t Let Us See the Sausage Made. Bacteria is a part of life. The more of it, the more immunities we develop, so perhaps it’s actually good for us in the long run, but I don’t need to be reminded of its existence at every turn? Don’t let me see wait staff putting their fingers on the lip of the glass that I have to drink from. I don’t want to know that they handle the uncovered straw, before slipping them into my beverage. McDonald’s wraps their straws in paper. It may look gauche, but the wrapping gives me a false sense of security. I wish finer dining establishments would use them.
11. Clean and Clean Again. Obviously, most of the gripes above have to do with sanitation. But its importance can’t be overstated. I’m not a snob. I love the food at establishments like Applebee’s, Chili’s, Olive Garden and even Denny’s, but I won’t frequent them because the cleaning standards are negligible at best. I feel grunge seeping into every bite I take. People praise “hole in the walls” but I’d rather eat at a sparkling place with mediocre food than a questionable one with delicious cuisine, any day.
12. Tips Suggestions. To encourage gratuities some restaurants have started calculating suggested tip percentages on bills, for their math-challenged patrons. The only problem with this nicety is that the restaurant genuine bases the tip on the entire bill, after taxes, when tradition dictates that a customer should only tip on the principle amount. If you’re feeling generous, tip according to the restaurants suggestion, but if you’re looking to stay within reason or to comment on lackluster service, calculate the tip yourself.
13. Bring the Bill Promptly. If I want to sit and talk after a meal, I’ll do that, but when I ask for the check, I want it quickly. There’s nothing I hate more than eating in 30 minutes, but waiting 20 more minutes to pay the tab. Sometimes, I’ll ask for the check right after I order, just to speed the process up. I understand that waiters don’t like to close out the check until they’re sure you aren’t having desert. If that’s what’s holding you up, ask if I’m sure I don’t want anything else after the main course — then run and bring my check when I say I don’t. When I’m traveling, I often see shows at 8:00 p.m. and they don’t get out until 11. It’s too late to eat (or even get room service) then. So, I try to squeeze in a meal before the show, but I’m usually running on a tight schedule. Don’t make me frantic about running late, by ignoring my request for the bill. If you do, I’ll take it out in your tip. I know that waiters think that as long as you get patrons their food fast, everything else is secondary. But I need prompt food, refills and bills, to consider the service good.
14. Furniture. Buy furniture (and flooring) that can be cleaned. Frequently. Fabrics are quickly stained. Make sure you can wipe the seating. If it’s an expensive restaurant, install high end leather. If it’s a more moderately priced establishment, then Naugahyde or vinyl will do, but it makes little sense to buy attractive chairs that can’t be scoured, when they’ll soon be spilled and vomited upon repeatedly. Also, make sure the furniture is free of nooks, crannies and crevices where molding food or sticky drink residue can lodge eternally. When you sanitize, get in between the cushions and remove old crumbs and debris. My eyes gravitate to these murky areas involuntarily. Don’t let the fodder for diner nightmares accumulate there.