The Suicide Series.

Dear April 12th 2015,

It’s been 499 days since you happened. Yes, I counted… because every day after you has been filled with some level of regret, pain, anger, hurt, confusion, guilt — you name it I’ve felt it at least once in the last 499 days. You were supposed to be a day just like any other with the minor detail of a late night the night before at my best friend’s birthday. You were a day just like any other but you turned into a day I hoped I’d never see but secretly always knew I would… at some point. I kind of just hoped it be in my upcoming career as a social worker so it was easier to emotionally disengage from the situation. You are the day my best friend attempted suicide… it wasn’t the first time and I knew it wouldn’t be the last time but it was one that I was fully involved in.

I write to you as if you had something to do with it. As if somehow, you as a day, could have prevented it or made it better. As if somehow, you are the one to blame. You’re not, you’re just a day. But I write to you because I know I don’t have the guts to write to her. I write to you because I know expressing my feelings to her will only make her upset. I write to you because I pretended it didn’t happen for the last 499 days but today, it’s all I can think about. I write to you because I know what happened 499 days, I know it’s real, I know it’s painful, I know it won’t go away.

I feel overwhelmed because I never wanted to be responsible for someone’s life. I feel hurt because it was later blamed on me and I was told I “don’t understand.” I feel angry because I almost lost someone who meant so much to me. I feel guilty because I probably could have prevented it but I didn’t… I feel shame for feeling guilty because I know it’s not my fault. I feel like it was easier to keep it in for the last 499 days than to try to express it because I’m afraid someone will read it — because I don’t actually know how I feel. Because my anger and confusion are justified but is my hurt? Is my shame? Is my guilt? Are the words coming out of my mouth really those in my mind? Are they raw? Are they real? Or did I somehow create new feelings in the last 499 days? Is that possible? Was I convinced to think otherwise or did I have these feelings all along? I wish I could hear you speak back. Justify me please.

Dear Friend,

The sun does not just simply go down on a life of such importance. Though sometimes I know it seems like it does or like it should, it doesn’t. The sun never sets on a life that has made a difference and I promise that every single person has made a difference in some way, in someone’s life. I believe your story matters and you have something very important to teach the rest of the world that no one else can. I understand that you may be feeling like you’re worthless and you don’t matter or like everything is your fault but you have to understand that that is a lie. A lie that the world has told you for far too long that you have begun to believe. I understand that sometimes life sucks but let’s be real and say that you and I both know it hasn’t always been that way, so there’s no way that it can stay that way forever. I promise you, it won’t be.

You know all those people that you look up to and say that one day you’ll be like them? I can pretty much guarantee you that they have had times of complete despair in their own lives and yet they managed to make it through. I can also guarantee you that there is someone younger than you, or maybe even older than you, that looks at you the same way you look at those people. They admire you for the strength that you show everyday that you walk out into that world with a smile on your face — whether it’s a sincere smile or not because the truth is, it takes more strength to fake happiness and a smile than it does to be honest. You are strong. You are beautiful/handsome. You are worthy and you are loved.

I understand that sometimes it seems like a never ending circle of crap and sometimes it’s so much easier to lay in bed all day. I understand that sometimes you have days that you just want to sit and cry. I understand that sometimes you don’t want to get up and fake a smile or pretend everything is awesome and that’s okay! If you want to lay in bed all day then lay in bed all day. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to frown, then frown. If you want to scream then scream. That’s part of life and sometimes it happens. There is no rule that says you have to be strong or pretty or happy all the time. Every single one of your feelings are valid, simply because you are feeling them. But you also have to understand this….

You’re story matters — even on the days when it seems worthless. You have something important to teach all the people around you — even when it seems like they know everything. Your life isn’t measured by the amount of followers you have on your instagram or how many likes you got on your latest seflie. It isn’t measured by your failures or even your accomplishments. Despite all of those things being a part of your life and despite the level of importance that society places on them, even if they were taken away — you would still be valuable and your life would still be meaningful. Every piece of your life — the brokenness and the beauty makes you who you are and all of those things have a place — a very important place!

There is hope. There is so much hope. You’re worth it and no one else can play your part so please don’t cut your time on stage short. The story won’t be complete if you do.