Feels are my jam.

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Image by Megan Schmidt

1. Choose the bread.

None of that basic, white-washed Wondergunk, if you please. I’m done with that phase of my life. I’m looking for something special: a substantive multigrain. It’s okay if its crust hasn’t been trimmed. Any guy who isn’t willing to eat crust isn’t ready for a real sandwich.

2. Choose the jelly.

This time I’ll go with grape: an oft-maligned option that deserves to be loved and understood. Tell me about what it was like to grow up on a vineyard. I wanna know everything there is to know about you. Your past won’t scare me away. Promise.

3. Spread the jelly on one slice of the bread.

This has to be done delicately. I don’t want to rush making the sandwich — we have the rest of our lives to do that. (I hope it doesn’t freak you out that I said “we” just now. Was that crazy of me? It felt so right in the moment.) …

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Image Copyright: Anthropologie. (Fair Use.)

7:45 am: The household begins to stir. I envy the humans their night’s rest. My eyes have been carved into the poplar wood wide awake; immutable, all-seeing. Many moons ago, I was the prince of an Enchanted Wood. My father was the Hart King, and I the young stag poised to take his place on the throne.

10:23 am: Syd and Babe enter my line of vision as they set out on their quest to the kitchen. As the humans pass me, I commence my daily silent scream, imploring them with my eyes to free me from my poplar prison. Before the coronation ceremony, a jealous sorceress cast an incantation on me. When I came to, I found myself paralyzed inside a colorful mausoleum filled with accursed flora and fauna: woodpeckers petrified into a lamp, tiny ferns coating the surface of a onesie, an imperious sea lion enslaved by a duvet. This forsaken place was called Anthropologie. …


Miriam Korn

Miriam Korn is a clinical psychologist. She writes comedy because Freud said humor is the best coping mechanism, after you’ve blown through all your cocaine.

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