Why I Don’t Care if I’m Successful
How Much is Enough?
What is the obsession with success? At the risk of sounding like a total loser, I think success is over-rated. From the time we are kids, society seems fixated on what we’re all doing with our lives. It’s not enough to just live our lives, we have to be striving for success at every turn. Anything less is considered failure — or at least that’s how it feels sometimes.
There’s an unfortunate stigma attached to not over-working yourself. If I’m not working 50 hours a week, if I’m not filling every waking moment with projects, self-improvement, work deadlines, etc. I’m not working hard enough.
I’ve gotten some puzzled looks from friends and acquaintances throughout the years who couldn’t grasp the idea that I don’t have wall-to-wall plans each waking moment of my life. They didn’t seem to understand that I do nothing most weekends — and I’m okay with that.
In my early twenties, I worked part-time as a high school tennis coach in my home town. It paid pennies, but it was fun. I lived at home with my parents and didn’t have much of an idea about what I wanted to do with my life. Despite being relatively happy, I remember feeling like such a failure. I had gone to college and put in the work to set myself up for success. In spite of all my efforts I found myself back where I started with no promising prospects for a future career.
I remember a particularly frustrating conversation with a fellow tennis coach could not wrap his head around the idea that I didn’t have a full-time job in addition to my “side gig” as a coach.
“So what do you do for a living?” He asked as our students warmed up for their match.
It was the dreaded question. I was only 22-years-old and beginning to realize this would be the default “getting to know you” inquiry for the rest of my adult life.
“I’m a tennis coach,” I answered cheerfully.
“No, no. What’s your real job?”
I insisted this was a real job. He just laughed. He figured I was being coy and didn’t want to tell him. He teased me about having some nefarious alter-ego who sold weapons or drugs on the side to pay the bills. I was a bit insulted but chuckled politely and played along. He was obviously an idiot, but deep down I felt like he had struck a nerve. I should have a real job. I should have bills to pay like a real grown-up. What did I want to be when I grew up? No matter how I applied the question, the answer was always the same: I didn’t want to grow up - not in the traditional sense anyway. Most of the grown-ups I knew with real jobs seemed so unhappy to me. Why would I want any part of that? It seemed like a scam.
Even so, I’ve always felt a lot of pressure to live up to my potential. While that’s not a bad problem to have — it means I had people in my life who loved me and believed in me — what does that even mean? What does it mean to be successful? How do I know when I’ve reached my potential? How do I know if I’m letting my friends, mentors, and family down?
When I think of success, I can’t help but think of the overwhelming number of motivational posters I’ve seen in my life. Beautiful artwork with super-imposed text — usually quotes from famous actors, athletes or activists.
That’s great advice, but what’s the goal here? I can’t help but notice these quotes are endlessly peddled by people who seem to be selling self-help courses and motivational seminars. I hardly think Helen Keller was referring to our current obsession with hustle culture when she was talking about success and happiness. We all love to talk about how success can be defined in different ways, but you have to admit the definition of success does slant heavily in favor of career and money when referred to in a general sense.
If you Google “how to be successful” you’ll see any number of articles and links to improving your work-ethic or perseverance. You’ll find endless advice on how to lock in a career, how to grow your wealth, how to think big, etc. While those are all great, I’ve never really had an interest in any of them. I just want to spend as much time with my loved ones as possible while I can. I want to enjoy the little things life has to offer. I don’t really care if I have the appearance of success.
Though it’s cliché and maybe a bit simplistic, I am reminded of the parable of the fisherman and the business man. It goes something like this:
“A successful businessman on vacation was at the pier of a small coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The businessman complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The fisherman proudly replied, “Every morning, I go out in my boat for 30 minutes to fish. I’m the best fisherman in the village”.
The businessman, perplexed, then asks the fisherman “If you’re the best, why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish? What do you do the rest of the day?”
The fisherman replied “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, spend quality time with my wife, and every evening we stroll into the village to drink wine and play guitar with our friends. I have a full and happy life.”
The businessman scoffed, “I am successful CEO and have a talent for spotting business opportunities. I can help you be more successful. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats with many fishermen. Instead of selling your catch to just your friends, you can scale to sell fish to thousands. You could leave this small coastal fishing village and move to the big city, where you can oversee your growing empire.”
The fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”
To which the businessman replied, “15–20 years.”
“But what then?” Asked the fisherman.
The businessman laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!”
“Millions — then what?”
The businessman said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, spend time with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends.”
While I’m not fortunate enough to live in a sleepy coastal town with a front row seat to paradise, I do still take some wisdom from this story. Not everyone wants to spend their lives endlessly pursuing financial growth and influence. Now I’m not saying everyone should give up on their dreams. Far from it. If you want something, go get it. I just wish that someone had told me to stop and think a minute before I begin my journey. Before the journey, it’s important to remember that no matter where life takes me, I will be okay.
Just like the fisherman from the story, if I slow down and meditate on exactly what I want in life, I find I already have everything I need. Why would I want anything more? I experience success through life’s smaller pleasures. I don’t need a career to measure my worth. My value isn’t tied to my work. I can’t simply tell someone who I am by what I do for a job. I am successful because I am alive to experience all that life has to offer. I am successful because I am able to love and care for the people around me.
If I can wake up in the morning and find that life is worth living, I have succeeded. I live for the moments (however fleeting) that fill me with hope. I love being gently reminded that not everything is awful.
I live for the warmth of a loved ones’ company. I love adventure. I love a good challenge and working to overcome it. I love the silent moments of serenity that come with peaceful self-reflection. I love losing myself to the moment. I love letting go of my inhibitions to embrace the absurdity of life. I love staring up at the night sky and feeling small compared to the vastness of the universe. I love feeling emotionally moved by a good song. I also love coffee… god, I love coffee. I love the feeling after conquering a tough workout. I love feeling like I’ve earned a good rest. I love making others happy.
But none of those things are a socially acceptable answer to “what do you do for a living?” I wish they were. It shouldn’t matter if I’m a janitor or waitress or unemployed. A job is just something I do, it’s not who I am. As a young person, I bought into the idea that my worth was tied to my potential. I had no idea what that meant, so I filled in so many blanks with garbage that served no purpose other than to make me miserable.
Famous and traditionally successful people always seem to say things like “it beats working in an office,” or “I didn’t want to flip burgers for the rest of my life.” We’re told that if we end up working a boring, low-paying, or otherwise “degrading” job we have failed.
I’m tired of the idea that you have to be hustling to be succeeding. I’m tired of the shame attached to working just to get by. In a world where so many of us are struggling just to survive, we shouldn’t also have to worry about how our jobs define us. Life has more value than just serving an occupation. It’s time we re-defined success and allowed ourselves to be more than just a job. What do I do for a living? Who cares?
