Decisions

I came to a crossroads the other day. Literally. I was out running through a particularly serene, leafy neighborhood. Usually I have a route picked out in advance, this time I was improvising, making it up as I went. Coming to the end of my immediate path, I was faced with four options of where to go next. One way was shady and hilly, another direction was sunny and flat, and the other choices were combinations of these factors. I stood still, weighing the options — if I chose the shady route, would I wish I had picked the flatter one? If I picked the flatter option, would I regret it, and crave the cool shade of the trees? There were no wrong choices, only options. I stood, paralyzed by indecision, and annoyed with myself for being at such a loss. Why was this tiny little decision so difficult?

What’s Next?

After finishing my degree, I intentionally left my next step undefined. I wanted to make space for what would emerge organically, as the result of engaging the areas that mattered to me. Judging by the puzzled looks I typically received when answering the inevitable “what’s next?” question, this was an unconventional approach. It ran counter to both my natural inclination (to over-plan & over-think everything!) as well as my socio-cultural conditioning. I’m used to assignments, deadlines, and quantifiable results. This was, and is, different. I have not followed the traditional route of polishing a resume and writing cover letters. I am creating my “next steps” as I walk, discovering what is next for me rather than trying to map out a route ahead of time. I have many options, many choices, many potential paths.

Why is choosing so hard? Is it a fear of loss? Do we fear the loss of what we did not choose, afraid we’ll regret the road not taken? In addition to the potential for loss, we often assign value to choices. I was taught the importance of making the “correct” choice, and to never deviate from a few well-defined acceptable life paths. This mindset is limiting, even paralyzing. If we equate choosing with loss, or the potential for mistakes, of course we are afraid to make decisions. People like me end up standing on a sidewalk, looking lost and confused.

Many Paths

There is a forest I know well…now. This forest has a road leading into it, with many different paths branching off the initial trail, but ultimately all connected in an intricate network. In the beginning it was all unknown to me; there was no map. I took the first few steps down the road; multiple trails came into view as I continued further in. Before venturing down that initial road, I had no idea there were many paths, much less where they led or how (or even if) they connected. I didn’t set off into the forest with a particular destination in mind. How could I? I had no idea where the roads led.

So I choose one path, then another. I take a different route the next day, discovering where that path leads, where it connects to the others I already know. Sometimes I worry about getting lost; the forest is large and I feel very small in it. But the paths are there. Even when I do get “lost”, I discover new worlds with each step, each one leading to more, not less. This is how I find my way through the forest.

There is no map, only the one I am creating with my feet.