The Most Common Problem We All Share (As Its Sources and Consumers)

It’s unbelievable how often it appears on a daily basis

Miroslava Angelova
Jul 22, 2017 · 6 min read
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I’m Bulgarian. In this part of the world torrent downloading is unrestricted and very common. Regardless of what good habits Western Europe might teach me, some Bulgarian “bad” ones have remained.

A month ago when visiting home, I downloaded a few documentaries on my dad’s laptop. With no free online streaming available of them and the opportunity just a click away, what else was I supposed to do? Let’s pretend that this isn’t the problem. My real problem was that dad deleted the downloads before I had even watched them.

“Why?”, I asked him.

“Were these your files? Why didn’t you tell me? How was I supposed to know?”

I kept firmly insisting on my position without answering any of his questions.

“Dad, how can you delete files which are not yours?!”

This is how a no-one-is-right-or-wrong exchange started — mom supporting me, dad slightly giving in to admit his mistake under her pressure but not quite there. And rightly so. There was no need to admit anything. I knew I was not entirely innocent. Possibly even the main conflict sparkler.

I could have told him. But my assumption was that he wouldn’t notice. In fact, I didn’t even think what could go wrong.

Either way, I had my own perspective only. He had only his. Everyone operates through their own lenses.

The problem is that we don’t communicate our thoughts, assumptions, intentions or miscommunicate them and this leads to conflicts.

Every time we open our mouths to say something, the potential or rather the danger something to go wrong is there. Besides, we tend to be social creatures who talk/type almost all the time.

Likewise, when we leave something for ourselves because it’s “obvious” (unfortunately, very often only to us), the seed of undesired consequences immediately gets planted.

There are myriads of examples of the lack of communication. They take place in our professional lives, too. Here’s an example from last week:

As part of project work, I communicated with different company stakeholders that they have been chosen as owners of certain project tasks. Some got back to me surprised who nominated them, unaware of what the project is and unsure they are the right people for the job. I was struck. How could their manager not align with them on this decision?

The problem becomes even more complex when we realize it isn’t solely the lack of communication. There’s also the problem of miscommunication. The reasons for it can be many — culture, age, upbringing, education, interests, gender, etc.

Someone sent me a movie trailer asking if I find it generic in terms of the character image portrayed. He also mentioned a song associated with the same character portrayal. Or at least I assumed it was all about the characters. A torrent of thoughts and long-winded messages started pouring to only later find out that the question referred to the soundtrack of the movie, not the characters. The “it” in “Do you find it generic?” was key to understanding and… misunderstanding. My mind attended to particular cues from the message. These were the wrong ones from the other person’s perspective. Can you blame anyone? I don’t think so.

We need to communicate more and more explicitly.

Since realizing that everyone lives in their own universe and sees the world differenly, it’s helped me to judge people less, inform them about and explain in greater detail my thoughts and behaviour but most importantly, try to understand theirs.

One of the most memorable pieces of advice I ever received and which has changed immensely how I communicate is: “Don’t assume. Ask.”

This is such an eye-opener when most of what we do is assume.

“I assume this friend is free when the green signal indicates she’s online. Why doesn’t she respond to my message then? She must not really care about me.” And the death spiral goes on. At the same time while we are constructing movies in our head, often nothing could be further away from the truth.

Some of our assumptions are our fears projected. We are wired to think of the worst-case scenario as a self-protection instinct. What this brings us is stress and pain. To cope with them is to imagine the positive-case scenario. This is one way to be emotionally intelligent. In other words, harnessing our moods and emotions.

However, as suggested, it is best to ask.

I’d even dare to add: “Even if you assume, make your assumption clear.”

Start your sentences with “I assume…”. Although it could be wrong, you let the other person know what your premise is. It’s likely that in this case she won’t blame you for your wrong conclusion because she’d understand your unfair start which might not has been your fault.

It took me some time and experiences to realize that communication can make-or-break diferent types of relationships. This is why I got so interested in learning more about the mechanics of communication.

The most helpful insight in this regard I’ve found so far is “The Ladder of Inference”.

It’s “a model that was first developed by organisational psychologist Chris Argyris in 1992. The ladder depicts the unconscious thinking process that we all go through to get from facts to a decision for action. It attempts to explain how we tend to behave or “jump to conclusions” when faced with a “situation”.”

http://www.edbatista.com/images/2014/Ladder-of-Inference-Martie-Holmer-Version.jpg

By going up the ladder, we form our prejudices.

Starting with what we observe, we pick only certain cues based on various individual predisposition factors. This biasly selected data is saturated in cultural or personal settings and thus given a meaning (interpretation). Climbing further up, assumptions stem out of interpretations and help generate conclusions. Beliefs and actions govern the top of the ladder and reinforce a closed loop. For example, if we are on a flight and believe that the lady sitting in the front row next to the window doesn’t let a crying child replace her, our action will be to keep looking at her and this will only contribute to selecting more negatively biased examples how selfishly she behaves.

What if she is handicapped and has been placed in her seat before our boarding? It could be that she just doesn’t want to draw attention to herself but because of our previous experiences with window-preferring passengers (“observable data”), we start a whole story in our mind with her being the devil and we act in a manner sensible only to us.

How do we achieve clear communication? By going down the ladder.

To dismantle yourself from ingrown beliefs, assumptions, biases:

  • Ask questions to confirm or reject your assumptions

We could ask our friend who’s online: “What are you up to? Do you have time to talk right now?”

  • Be transparent about your underlying triggers

When I was writing emails to my thesis supervisor explaining to him a decision of mine or asking for help, I’d often use “My assumption is…” aiming for his understanding.

  • Express your preferences and ideas explaining why

It is not enough to say you dislike Justin Bieber without a reason. This would be judgmental and the other person would be less likely to respect your opinion, especially if she’s a fan.


In the kindergarten, we would play the game (literally translated) “Broken Telephone” in which one whispers a word in the neighbor’s ear and this word travels until the end. The final person announces the result. It was always different from the original. I often found myself not even hearing a real, dictionary word. I guess I wasn’t the only one. An updated version of an inexistent word was passed on and on. Part of the problem was that we tried to pronounce the message as quietly and quickly as possible (as kids usually do in their games because they take them too seriously). The end case would quite accurately represent the real life case of a broken medium and message.

Why did we play this game at all? Because it was fun to come up with a difficult word and screw the person at the other end? Deaf loser, of course.

It’d have been so much better if the teacher explained to us the value of correctly communicating our words. Maybe she didn’t know it herself.


Now you know and can pass the right message on. It’s never too late to be a role model and a teacher who knows a bit or two about assumptions and communication in general.

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