I am Afraid, so I am

Misa Ferreira de Rezende
Nov 5 · 3 min read

When I walk the streets or when I am cleaning the house I am always accompanied by uncontrollable thoughts like wild horses. I think of everything, from the most forgotten girl memories, movie scenes or poetic paragraphs of books to what I need to buy at the supermarket. All these thoughts come buzzing, mingling, spinning incessantly back and forth bringing so many new ones. Until now I have not learned to controll them. I think this kind of crazy because it is often in a fleeting thought that shoots a blind fight in my head that I catch the inspiration of something good or beautiful that deserves to be written.

Well, I remembered when I left my parent’s house to live alone. My mother, from a much older time, made it clear that a single girl only left her father’s house to marry. Besides, the place of the daughter who had not yet married or who was not getting married was next to her parents. I argued with her. I told her that by the natural law of life, parents leave before their children and if this were the case with us, I, who had always been such a sensitive person, would have a hard time to live alone. She was thoughtful in a way as if this situation had never ocurred to her and she surrendered. Although I had just moved home and not city, country, I felt a certain tremor because mother’s word is like a sharp sword, a carelessness and we cut ourselves. Mothers are almost always right and when she said the phrase: Misa, you change my name if you’re not back in two months! I froze.

At that time, it was still said in malicious tones: that girl is single and lives alone. Proud of breaking paradigms, I felt excited and famous as the fascinating Amelia Earheart on her wonderful flights tearing the skies over the oceans or a small feminist who was just been accepted for an important learning in a very tight group of brave women. But it was not quite that.

One thing is how people see us and another is how we really are.

I soon realized that living alone had the burden and the bonus like any situation in life. For example, I would enjoy the much needed silence, could leave my bed untidy, watch television until I pleased and other such perks. Ok, except that when night fell. I was always very afraid of everything, from robbers, cockroaches and especially ghosts. Well, I felt unconfortable. When the fear was of ghosts I would leave the lights on, but sometimes when the unbearable dread overwhelmed me I would rush to the paternal home. And my mother who never had popes on her tongue, well, she said: It’s easy to live alone, even me!

My early days of Amelia Earhart living alone were childish. It was almost like playing house and cooking as little girls on brick like a stove. From little house to little house I learned to be a housewife and even a nut cake I have learned.

But I soon realized that there was a billion light years between Amelia Earhart and me.

I was not brave. Hummm, no? Why not? I held my mother’s hands as she left this life to enter heavenly boulevards. I face the role of Inês de Castro and Oedipus King already old to be the mother of my colleagues! I loved being a make-up actress, I was thrilled and I thrilled the audience.

Maybe every woman has something of Amelia Earhart and maybe Amelia Earhart herself was a little scared like everyone else. After all, as Roland Barthes said: “I’m afraid, so I am”.

Misa Ferreira de Rezende

Written by

I write because the world enchants me, death frightens me and life amazes me. I am a writer.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade