Down the Rabbit Hole

I want intimacy to be easy and effortless. I want it to feel natural and comfortable. I want it to make me feel secure. I want it to satiate me.

But intimacy has another plan!

Intimacy says, “Come here, come into the land of the unknown, let’s tear down your expectations, your assumptions and your misgivings. Let’s scrape the paint of falsehood off your pride so that it glows again. Forget the self. Forget what you think you want. Let your senses awaken to what is happening now, let that be enough. Let the truth of you be enough. Let the truth of him or her or them be enough. Let what is be enough.”

I am enough. This is enough.

I am. This is.

But I want it to look and feel a different way. What about the fairytale ending? What about endless bliss? What about “finding happiness,” like it’s a landmark we have discovered, conquered and can now capitalize upon? What about my twin flame, my soulmate, the one who makes everything worth it? Don’t I deserve that???

Intimacy is laughing. “Who do you think you are, child?”

We imagine that we are lost. We imagine that we have to work very hard in order to be rewarded. We imagine that we have enemies. We imagine that we can’t be understood. We imagine that we have many flaws and all of them need fixing. We imagine that there is a better version of who we are now.

We keep striving.

What have we forgotten? What knowing collapsed at an early age? Why are the angels sleeping and the demons running amuck inside our heads?

Intimacy is relaxed as it observes me. A bemused smile crosses its lips as it sees my thoughts churning — “I’m going to figure myself out, become a better person and fix my flaws before I dare get close to another human.”

Intimacy says, “Nice try, kid. Here, have another helping of this thing called life.”