This Is Now
Now that both my boys are in therapy
Now that the right medication has been prescribed to the one with mood swings and depression
Now that the one who was recently diagnosed with ADHD is finally qualified to receive extra support from the school district, and he might actually be college-bound after all…
Now that the weight of “fixing it” has been somewhat lifted
Now that I’ve ended the year-long romance that was always only temporary anyway
Now that I’ve successfully scared off all new potential suitors
Now that, day by day, I care less and less about outside opinion
There is a certain beauty in unpopularity, you know.
Now that I am actively forgiving my father
And the father of my childhood best friend
And the rapist
And the stalker
And the one I loved and almost married, who wrestled with demons, who
lost control that one night and gave me the end I was seeking
Now that I have grieved and healed and forged on and barely made rent at times
Now my thought is this:
Fuck, I’m tired.
And I know the show’s not over, and there is more brilliance than my weary mind can imagine waiting on the other side of this valley.
There is a place to fill my cup, replenish and dance with vibrancy and fearlessness again.
And there will be more valleys, surely, the further into time I walk in this body.
When I reach them, it is possible that I will carry new and powerful tools with which to navigate that terrain. My dormant talents will have further awakened. I will be that much more practiced in the art of love alchemy.
This is now.
Not what was, or what will become.
And now, thanks to this stupid sinus infection, I’m forced to rest and miss work.
My task is to care for this body, in its sickness and health.
My to-do list is this: