What If?

The light is shining so brightly these days

Upon my very soul

I’ve been moving furniture

Out of my temple and into the yard

The furniture looks like crap

And dammit, now it’s there for all to see

*

Inside my soul is dancing

Something is alive and celebrating the demise

Of the hiding from light

Of the believing of lies

Of the self-created stories that turn into nightmares when I am pretending I am separate

My soul says YES

Even as my eyes release tears and my heart is bursting

Even as I rage and try to convince my lover that I am too difficult, too complicated and too damaged to love

He sees me in a different light than I can see myself

A thick cloud of doubt surrounds me sometimes

When I get very, very close to someone

When I begin to feel trust

My guards want to protect me:

Scared Sally, Angry Annie, Jealous Jenny, Distant Deb, Hateful Helga

(The names help) **

I say “hi”

I say “Will you walk with me, stay close, but let me handle it this time? I know you want to protect me. Thank you so much for arriving when I needed you, when I didn’t know how to handle the obstacles. I have learned so much since you joined me, though. I think I know another way now. You don’t have to leave me, you don’t have to die, just rest now, here — inside my heart.”

And I walk in to his life

And I connect

And I am so close, so close

To peeling back a thick layer of protection that looks and smells like jaded disappointment and cynicism. It’s heavy and cumbersome, but also familiar like a childhood blanket

I want to open this door, and let all my love pour out onto him

Into his life

Into our moments

Into something real that we are creating

The question for me is “What if?”

Because I’m almost there, but not quite

Maybe I’m someone

Who needs more convincing, reminding and reassuring than others

And maybe

I’m just right

*

** The book The Dark Side of The Light Chasers by Debbie Ford speaks extensively on loving our shadows and self-compassion. I highly recommend it. The naming of my shadows comes from that book, and I find it to be a very useful tool.