Like a Whirlwind
“Why did it have to be so short? How could it be? Why does it have to end?” — These questions played over and over again in my head. I’ve had THE most incredible journey with THE most amazing man but it’s all over…
Some time ago, (I don’t actually remember when), my father had got me into a rather awkward and uncomfortable situation with some guy who coached my brother (thanks dad!). Was my life so sad that my dad felt he needed to introduce me to a boy??? Really??? Anyways, I could tell by his face that this wasn’t ideal for him either but I went with it (smile and wave right?). He was a looker. Not to shabby if I say so myself!
I assumed he was older. He seemed pleasant but slightly stand-off ish. I’m usually very reserved, so this wasn’t as simple as it should be and my dad’s affiliation to the whole thing made it ten times worse. What must this guy think? Does he think I’m desperate? Am I? This was so embarrassing!!! I wasn’t sure what to expect or to expect anything at all.
I gave it some thought and added him on Facebook and before I could browse through his pictures or read his profile there was a ‘ting’! It was an inbox from HIM! My stomach was in knots for what I’m not entirely sure! He was so polite yet quite to the point and slightly formal. He made it clear that if anything were to develop between us that it should be just between us and my parents should know nothing of it (which is fair, I didn’t mind either…. A little less pressure). He didn’t want me to get my hopes up or anything. He didn’t want to get involved in things he wasn’t sure he could fulfill. I was fine with that.
Not long after we decided to meet up. The beach seemed the best place as it is rather public without being overbearing and it made it easier to just relax and be ourselves. We were getting to know each other. I liked it. It was different. He was shy but flirty if that makes any sense.
Before I knew it, I was spending more and more time with him. I was skipping classes (not ideal I know but I liked this thing we had going) and at night my friends were my excuse for never being home. I just wanted to be with him. He made me feel ‘things’!!! I was no longer a girl….
The beach became our spot. Just soaking up the warm winter sunshine and enjoying the relaxing sounds of the waves breaking on the rocks, and the gulls in the far distance.
We would kiss and he would cup my breasts firmly before breaking into laughter like young children at the sight of another person approaching our secluded spot . "What are the chances", I said, "of all the places on the longest stretch of the coast" .. we giggled before quickly adjusting our clothes..
We joked that the passers-by most probably knew what was going on by our smug childish expressions and not our loosened clothes.
I was the happiest I’ve been in a very long time and found myself with no worry about anything in the world for as long as I tightly held his strong arms and gazed into his deep brown eyes. As we kissed, he paused, and I could feel that something changed... His breath became baited and his eyes shifted away from mine. Time was passing so fast and I knew he had things going on with moving and work and all that but I didn’t think that was going to be the last time I would feel his soft lips on mine..
At first I tried not to think anything of it,but when his grip loosened from my inner thigh and pulled away his arms with a heavy sigh, I became anxious. He looked at the ocean with deep concentration, while sand filtered through his fingers like an hourglass. He said with closed eyes... "are you familiar with the saying, 'All good things have to come to an end' ?". He breathed heavily once more, as last few grains of sand trickled out of his hands... I knew what he was implying but I refused to believe it…. Was this really it? Was it already the end?
It wasnt like I didn’t know this day would come! He had been going for a series of interveiws and accepted an amazing new job offer but it wasnt here. He was moving to another city. All he had to do was wait for confirmation of his contract and plane ticket. He was leaving….
Driving home, I just felt empty and struggled to think… I was blank… and emotions were running high. The drive home was rather slow as we sat in 5pm traffic, similar to the tempo of our conversation. Every now and again he looked at me, smiled nervously and placed his hand on my thigh as the traffic holted to a stand still. He could not apologise enough and said "that me moving away was always on the cards, and that I really enjoyed our time together albeit short lived". I still could not process all this, and just agreed at the time.
Sometime later that night, I had to let him know how I felt so I texted him and I let it all out….I know that it was all so fast and so quick but no one has ever made me feel this way . He needed to know. I told him that if he wanted we could make the long distance relationship work or I will wait for him…. But my attempts to convince him that this… what ever this was,was worth a shot only seemed to further the distance between us.
His responses was staggered, delayed but logical. He said that he enjoyed our time together but he needed to shift his priorities to his new job, and that he wouldn’t be able to assure me that he would feel the same when he returned. I didn’t want to let this go….I really wanted us to work, but he was going away regardless of how I felt. I didn’t want what he wanted to be determined by me,and he should do what makes him happy, I was torn.I was letting the man of my dreams walk away and I couldn’t stop him.
He didn’t want to 'wait' on each other, but suggested that in a few years when he returns, we can rediscover our connection, if it still exists.He sounded reasonable, and that’s what I hoped for….at least it felt like it at the time.
The days passed and I heard nothing from him. I was miserable. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I felt so sad that this was it, but I also knew that we’re both in places in our lives where it had to be like this. Nothing about it was heart breaking, and maybe that’s why I was struggling with it as much as I was, it was all beautiful.
I’m not entirely sure if this feeling is 100% mutual, but whatever this is or was has opened me up to things I wasn’t open to before. It was very quick, but the best things in life have never needed too much time to happen. At this point I’m not too sure if this feeling is willing to leave right away. But I do want him to be happy, what ever (and who ever) that entails, because feelings like this don’t leave room for any selfishness …. It was an honour having him in the little ways that I did, he was a wonderful first to have had…..
So with one last text I said to him “I hope you find enough beauty to illuminate you, and enough love in all aspects this life (the next too) to make you realise how lovely your soul is. I’ll keep you in my thoughts for as long as my heart allows it. And again, it’s been a whirlwind…..”