The Great Poop Mysteries — Wildlife Tales From My Garden

Warning: this is not an inspirational post and it contains pictures of the poop.

Question: What is the white stuff in bird poop?
Answer: That is bird poop too. — Kurt Vonnegut

As luck would have it today, nature has given me a blog post. It has gifted it to me and wrapped it up in tiny brown parcels: brown parcels with extra bits.

And it’s all been enveloped in mystery and intrigue.

It’s not just a blog post, however. It is a call to action; a call to discovery. Can you, dear reader, help me find out the answers to the Great Poop Mysteries?

I marvel at nature on a daily basis but today, I marvel at nature’s ability to give me not one, not two, but three poop mysteries to mess with my mind on this fine Friday.

What the fuck, nature? What are you even doing??

Trigger warning:

I must warn you, dear reader, that what follows is not just mind-bendingly baffling, it also contains photographs of the actual poop.

If this is not to your taste. Indeed, if it conjures up shit that you just don’t want to be conjured, then click away from the article, now.

If, however, you relish the challenge, I now present to you the three poop mysteries in order of difficulty:

Poop Mystery #1: Small, friendly, I tried to dig a hole and then thought ‘fuck it’ poop.

This is not a professional photo. I took it with my phone. I think going to get my camera for this poop photo would be weird.

This little guy did his poop in the raised bed beside some herbs. He also dug a little hole which you can see to the left of the poop.

Maybe he wanted to poop in the hole, maybe not. I just have no way of knowing. Perhaps he was digging for mystery vegetables and found none.

It’s even possible that on finding no mystery roots or vegetables, he left the poop as a way of saying “fuck you”. It could be entirely aggressive poop.

This poop is black with tiny white bits. (Note: I checked to make sure they weren’t tape worms because “yuck”. They were not.)

Who could have made this poop?

Poop Mystery #2: Carnage Omnivore Poop Fiesta.

I found this poop in Bottom Field (as opposed to Top Field or Home Field).

First, I found poop number 1. Poop number 1 was dark on one end and looked like grains on the other.

This guy was eating some stuff that just came out the other end exactly the way it went in. That definitely sucks for him. I hope that shit didn’t hurt.

Not far from poop number 1 was another poop (we’ll call this poop number 2…). The number two was different. The evidence suggests that blackberries were the food source.

A short distance away I found an apple core. So he eats apples too.

But there are no apple trees nearby and none of the trees near here are in fruit right now. They are mostly in blossom. This guy didn’t get his apple from a garden.

A little further I found the results of a bird massacre. And a little further, more evidence of feathers. I figured it could have been two bird massacres, or the culprit did some walking around whilst a bird was flailing around wildly in its mouth. Stone cold, dude. Stone cold.

Birds, aren’t generally nocturnal, I thought. This has confused me more.

So, I think we’re looking for a stone cold omnivore who is up at the right time to hunt birds, is an accomplished fruit thief and can carry an apple in its pockets.

To show the photos of the evidence, I made a poop evidence collage. Voila:

Poop 1, number 2, bird massacre, apple core.

Who could have made this poop?

Poop Mystery #3: Acrobat, tight-rope walking pooper who doesn’t give a shit about your gate.

The evidence for this poop is best seen.

Who the fuck poops on a gate?

Who the fuck poops on a gate?

Seriously, who the fuck poops on a gate??

This gate is too narrow for a cat to poop on. Perhaps it can be done, by a cat who has trained for this for several hours a week, I don’t know.

This poop had a large, white bit on it and was right next to what looks like actual bird poop. But if it is a bird it has got to be a bird with a seriously big sphincter.

Also, wouldn’t bird poop be less solid? Does the dark, solid matter indicate a meat eater?

Who could have made this poop?

And now a call to action:

Please help me solve these poop mysteries. I am not a poop expert but I know you guys are out there. Share this post to your local poop experts. Get more eyes on the poop.

We need more eyes on the poop.

Lisa is a writer and photographer living in Northern Ireland with her son, five pets and occasional husband. If you want updates from time to time, join her newsletter here.

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