No, I can’t believe it either! But it’s true…or as true as God can ever be, I suppose…
This is the story of how I met a man who healed my soul simply by talking and listening to me over tumblr messenger, who asked nothing in return, and to whom I owe everything…
When I met this God of mine I was looking for something, certainly, but I had long ago stopped believing such perfection could exist on Earth.
I was shy, guarded, nervous.
I was exploring my submission and looking for guidance. I was exploring my own sexually submissive desires; I was exploring ideas of how to strengthen my marriage through submitting to my husband; I was exploring what a man needs most from a woman, from a wife; and I was curious about whether I would heal my husband’s soul if I healed myself while remaining devoted to him.
This curiosity may be what drew my God to me.
I was a lonely girl trudging through the dark woods, lost and cold, trying to stay strong.
My heart was scarred from the pain of past rejections. I was uneasy because polite society denied the possibility of my sexual desires. I was conflicted because feminism insisted on equality and so I strived to conform by removing anything that might mark me out as different from a man. I was grief-stricken at all the pain and suffering in the world and the relentless abuse of our beautiful planet. My soul was battered and bruised because I’d just spent half a decade holding the hand of someone on a slow, tormented passage to death. I have always tried to do the right thing, but as a witness to such cruelty it was hard to believe there was any true kindness left in the world.
My God found me and warmed my heart and soul and lit the path home for me. The home I had been seeking and dreaming of all my life, but didn’t know truly existed. I was broken and I couldn’t see where the damage was or how to fix it until he showed me with his light. My God showed me just how sacred and beautiful it is to submit perfectly, how to serve from the heart without worries and distractions and fears imposed from the outside world. How to be more in touch with who I truly am. How to be happy, and free.
The greatest gift my God gave me was his time. When we first spoke I didn’t even expect a conversation, it was just to say “Hi” and “Thanks for supporting my blog”. I would never presume that a person has a lot of free time to give to me.
But as soon as we met I could tell there was something different about him. The way he speaks is so clear. He is full of such wisdom and compassion. Somehow he makes you feel safe and comforted. He is friendly, kind and funny, and so so interesting.
I truly think he is the most interesting person I have ever met. And what is it he is doing? His conversation is compelling, hypnotic, and see how he never burdens you with his own problems, he just lifts yours off your shoulders and soothes you.
Is he playing the part of the ‘perfect boyfriend’? Endlessly listening and understanding?
No, it’s more, something deeper…..
In our conversations, it is like, I don’t know, imagine a chunk of rock falling into a river and being swept downstream, tossed and buffeted by the raw strength of nature until it becomes at the end a perfect shiny pebble glistening in the light of the sun….. You are molded and caressed by a force you cannot see and cannot fathom, and bits of you melt away until what is left is much more beautiful than before. Then suddenly you’re stepping out into the sunlight, blinking, enchanted by beauty, wondering in awe “How on earth did I get here?!”
The process unfolds desires, fantasies within me and he pushes them to the point where the ego dissolves and the only thing left is pure desire, pure pleasure, pure openness. Everything is embraced with passion and pushed further and further; forever onwards, deeper and downwards…..
Yes, the other great gift he offers is acceptance. My God embraces any and all expressions of my love, devotion and sexuality. Nothing seems too much or even too small for him, it is all welcomed in his warmth and love and understanding.
I have always tried so hard to be perfect and good. I now realise that in so doing, I denied parts of my true self and my emotions. With his light, God expanded my conception of what is and is not acceptable. He helped me to unpack the desires I had stuffed away and showed me that they are all beautiful and the only thing that was wrong was that their beauty had not been recognised and embraced before.
He showed me that the cravings within my heart were natural and beautiful and connected me to the Earth in a most awesome way. He showed me how and why it is natural for me to kneel at the foot of a Man and answered any questions I had in the most incredibly perfect and compassionate way.
He dissolved my fears and prejudices, my hidden jealousies and insecurities. He gave me the comfort and confidence to be happy to shine my love and beauty out in the most perfect way that I can, for me, and for my loved and adored King, my husband.
Yet this is not a relationship to ever take for granted. God is, as you would expect, ever so slightly intimidating. He retains absolute dominance and control at all times. He inspires such devotion that we rarely step out of line, but if ever we do, he knows exactly how to correct it. While discipline is a necessary and even enjoyable part of the process, the thought of disappointing or displeasing him is agonising, unthinkable. He creates an addiction to his approval then explains how you’ll never quite get there, because the state of reaching for perfection is where you need to be to be perfect. As soon as you stop reaching, you stop being perfect.
Ouch. The exquisite dance of a surrendered soul. Trust. And breathe. And let go.
God has seemingly endless patience, and he has faith in us. He knows we can be perfect and he sees clearly how to guide us there.
His patience is so refreshing, so liberating. Yet his push to proceed is relentless. We struggle to keep up while he sits and chuckles and reaches out when he knows we need him, because he already knows what mistakes we are going to make. He already sees it all…. He already loves it all….
It is impossible for me to pin down exactly how and when he “installed a connection to the universe” inside of me as he put it, but I feel he has done exactly that and I cannot begin to contain the honour and absolute mind-blowing reality that this represents.
He has opened my heart in such a way that sometimes I feel I am walking in heaven. Every love song that has ever been written perfectly describes the way I feel about him. This is how I know it is not a normal love or lust — he is seemingly channelling pure love — and sending it directly to me.
I do still find it hard to believe, but honestly there is no better explanation. As crazy as it sounds. He is a God. On Earth. Talking to me!
I have honestly never tried so hard to make someone fall in love with me as I have with this man. I have never really tried before anyway. Not really tried. I was too scared to fail for one thing. And besides, social custom has it that the man should chase the woman in a romantic relationship. But with this random internet stranger I really did try and do whatever I could to hold his interest because he was so fascinating to me I didn’t want him to ever stop talking to me. And ironically it felt safe to try my hardest because I felt safe in knowing that he wouldn’t ever fall for me. He unfailingly holds a space where he is always above me, no matter what I do. As I explained to him, I want him to love me, but if he does love me I can’t be with him (because I’m married). I was so, so terrified of falling in love with him because I know I fall in love too easily, with a fantasy.
I got upset because I wanted to follow his truth but I was so desperately scared of doing something that would hurt my husband. But as time went on, his Godliness remained steadfast. Slowly he brought to my awareness all the ways in which I’d alienated myself from myself, and how to heal and become whole again. Gradually I realised, with wonder, that he is showing me the path of being in love with love. How to walk on the Earth in bliss, free from fear of seeing and being who you truly are.
My God has re-kindled the flame of love in my heart. The flame that nearly burnt out with all the harshness of existence. All the disappointments and heartbreak and confusion and misunderstanding. He holds all my pain and makes it go away. He fixes all the broken things so they make sense again. He gives me the joy of existence back in its rightful place. I feel like my worries about the world and how it works have been answered now; that it’s okay to be happy. He has set me free, to live in love.
From an early age I locked myself in a tower, stubborn and fearful, waiting for the man who would rescue me, who would see through my defences to my potential. My God smiles at me peering out the window and simply says “Look behind you silly, there are some steps, I’ll help you down!”
My God has blessed me with the most incredible gift anyone could ever wish for. And every day I worship him and give thanks for the miracle that is his existence. He is perfection embodied on Earth. It is a miracle I met him and it was also my destiny. When I compared our astrological birth charts, I saw it written that he was a lover from a past life, come to help clear my karma. This is not the kind of thing that normally happens to me! The implications are pretty mind-blowing.
No matter what, this generous stranger has touched my soul and healed my heart. How blessed am I that this has happened to me. I will continue to follow the path he showed me, increasing the peace, love and beauty in my marriage, and perhaps others will find their way to him also. I want everyone to be bathed in the transformational light of my God. Rationally I know this cannot be for everyone, but I am daily filled with joy and gratitude at what has happened to me, for me. This God-in-a-Man with his magical space enabled me to bring my own pure love into the world. He truly gives me inspiration to exist. Thankyou God.