You forgot to mention (or I missed it) the havoc that having a kid can wreck on women’s body. It is different for everyone, but it is worth understanding that the pregnancy itself, and the first few years after, can be very tough and sometimes fatal. For example, you can get gestational diabetes regardless of how you it, and if you do — that doubles your chances of having type B diabetes later in life. There is also all the nonspecific stress that pregnancy brings with it, plus lowered immune response that means you are in a danger zone for most of the diseases you would normally be able to fight off. And then there is a postpartum depression that affects a frighteningly high percentage of women. You people living in USA, with the crippled to non-existent healthcare system, that should be scary on its own. Speaking of USA, I also don’t know how do parents there handle the idea that every morning they send their kids to a childcare or a school may be the last time they see them (due to mass shootings and a bad quality of childcare providers).

There are many many reasons why having a child is a risky and a scary business. That being said, when I decided I am ready to have one, it was not a matter of cost/benefit analysis, it was a matter of preparing for some of the worst scenarios I could imagine, understanding whether I am willing to risk them — and moving forward. I had a terrible pregnancy, a bunch of pregnancy, and, later, parenting induced health issues before and after the childbirth, lots of worries, constant sleep deprivation and constant worry about my baby’s well being (that is never going away, I think). But it is oh so worth it.

Most of the negatives you put there are non-existent. I don’t think I’ve touched human feces more than once or twice (that’s what wet wipes are for, come on), and honestly nappy changing is like the least of the baby-related chores. Kids do not cost that much, at least in a country with a proper public health system (I’ve heard terrible stories about childbirth costs in USA, so there’s that, but that is USA-specific). Don’t know how bad teenage years will be, but neither me, not my brothers, not any of my friends were particularly bad teenagers, so I am as of yet hopeful to keep all the drama under control, and if not — we’ll deal with it. So far every passing month has been making parenthood more and more enjoyable (the moments of pure joy were there from the beginning, but now there is also intellectual joy of teaching and learning, joy of fun games, joy of being able to actually have a conversation with your child and see her personality and the way she looks at the world).

Marital happiness might go down in a sense that there is so little time for couple activities, and we are often too tired when we have that time to do anything super fun or intimate. But it is the same kind of “make it or break it” thing as moving to another country or doing a house renovation, or surviving a long roach infestation, albeit on a bigger scale. Having a child and new tough limits on what we can do, and how much time we have for it, forced us to reexamine the quality of our time together, and our relationship with my partner has never been stronger than now. Being a mother also forced me to allow myself to be vulnerable and to re examine and sort out my own long standing issues — I finally went to therapy, I finally learned to truly take care of myself, and I am so much better for it.

Intellectual atrophy — oh yes, I was going nuts spending all my days with a baby on a 3–4 hour cycle. I went to work pretty soon after though, first on part-time from home, and then, after finding a good daycare for my then 9 month old daughter, full-time — and that was all I needed to get my “I am not just a mom” identity back. Also, how is this a problem in US where you don’t get a proper maternity leave unless maybe you work in California and have a super cool employer?

And no one is making you buy tonnes of “kid stuff”, that is really up to parents and what they need. You can cut a lot of chaos and cost by carefully examining what is actually beneficial for you and for your child, and what is simply a shiny sales pitch.

To sum it up, it is good to be aware of the potential trade offs and problems, but it’s a bit over the top to demonize them. In the end it all comes down to whether you want a child in your life, and whether you feel you are ready for the responsibility and willing to grow and educate yourself to be a good parent.

    Viktoriia Kuznetcova

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    INTP. Booyah!