To the woman still grieving after her transfer:

We have words for the loss of a pregnancy, such as miscarriage, blighted ovum, missed miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, stillborn…1,2,3rd trimester terms. Full of imposed technicalities which leaves it feeling clinical. These labels feel cold and detached. Loss is loss. Pain is pain. Grieving the death of a life that was growing inside of you, made from you, at any stage is…there are no words. None.

We don’t have a word for when someone goes through fertility treatment like IVF or IUI and it ‘fails’. The loss of that ‘Emby Baby’ is just as real and painful and devastating. The added stress of these treatment plans, injections, procedures and on top of that, the monetary pressure, is unfathomable. It’s an added level of commitment most can’t even comprehend. The love you have is instant, from the moment your Emby Baby is placed inside of you.

But, how do you grieve when your baby stops growing? What do you do with the pain of your hopes and dreams slipping away? The pain of allowing yourself to be vulnerable again. The pain of promising yourself you wouldn’t get invested so early, but did, because how could you not? You sit in shock and defeat, ready to give up, not because you want to, but because you can’t fathom disappointment on this level — again. Can we as a society even start to understand what that must feel like? The truth is we can’t. Unless you have been there, you just can’t.

So let us honour these couples instead. Let’s honour them during ‘Miscarriage And Infant Loss Awareness Month.’

Where does support and healing come from, to get through this type of loss? Maybe half of the people in your life don’t even know what you have endured. Most won’t truly understand and others, well you don’t want to share such personal feeling with. So you smile through your pain, and pretend you are ok, because what choice do you have?

One day mamma, I want you to know we see your loss. We validate your feelings. You have the right to mourn your baby. It’s not just a ‘failed cycle’. It doesn’t matter if science helped create that growing life. It was your baby and I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry you had to endure all of that and are left with empty arms.

But you belong in this camp of women who lost their baby. Because being a grieving mother is never about technicalities or comparisons. There is place for all of us here. You have a community that get’s it, where you never have to hide or feel rushed out of your emotions. Let us come together to validate and dignify these deeply personal, life changing experiences. By doing this we can help each other heal. That truly is the reason for and meaning of an awareness month.