60 Steps to Buying Skin Care at 30*

1. Turn 30.
2. Think about how, honestly, you’ve never looked better, and you’re not afraid to say it because you’ve reached a point where you stopped giving a shit.
3. Get up in your mirror’s business to pop a zit and notice what you suspect to be the “fine lines” they talk about in Oil of Olay commercials.
4. Forget that underground pimple and start to inspect your face. Like REALLY inspect your face.
5. It. Looks. Old.
6. These are def fine lines.
7. Log onto Facebook to look at old photos from a random Thursday night at Pi Kapp junior year of college to confirm that your face, does in fact, look noticeably aged.
8. Search for other friends in your graduating class to compare wrinkles. It’s hard to find an unfiltered photo from the past two years.
9. Still, most of them kind of do look their age.
10. Start to feel better.
11. Empowered even!
12. Decide it’s probably time to invest in some sort of skin care regime.
13. (Preventative, of course.)
14. You don’t want those girls to be looking at YOUR Facebook photos and thinking that you look your age, after all.
15. Google search, “Best skin care in your thirties.”
16. Click the first three links, only be overwhelmed by multiple slide shows with fifty products each, complete with descriptions, uses, and a button to add it to your cart.
17. You had no idea you could even put stuff in a shopping cart on Allure.com.
18. Start doing it anyway. Don’t question anything. You’re burning collagen as you type.
19. Realize you’ve put six products in your cart, five of which are retinol based eye creams.
20. You don’t need that much retinol, or eye cream. You’re only 30, remember!? What happened to “never looking better?”
21. Close browser.
22. Decide that you’re being silly. You don’t need to spend hundreds of dollars on stuff you don’t even need. What you DO need is more blouses. That’s a young adult woman’s game.
23. Two days later, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the closet mirror and you see them again. THE LINES.
24. Feel short of breath. Break out into a sweat.
25. Open up Sephora.com in a fugue state.
26. Find skin care section. Filter the best sellers.
27. Start blindly dropping products with 4+ stars into your cart.
28. What the hell is toner?
29. Do you need it?
30. Better be safe and throw one in. Ooh, rose water!
31. Go to checkout.
32. Spit take your lemon La Croix onto the computer screen at the $550 worth of STUFF you’ve haphazardly thrown into a virtual shopping cart.
33. Quickly exit browser.
34. Open Gmail.
35. Gchat your best friend.S.O.S BFF.
36. She’s a skin care veteran and is eager to turn your attention to all her favorite items on Birchbox.com.
37. Fill your online cart with her recommendations, and throw in a highly rated toner.
38. Still not sure what toner is. Ooh, lavender!
39. Spit take your pomplemousse La Croix all over your computer screen at the $550 in your cart.
40. Get off Birchbox.com.
41. Decide to check out Target’s selection. You don’t need the fancy stuff. Maybe just some natural Burt’s Bee’s balm will do.
42. Scan through Target’s skin care selection.
43. It’s certainly cheaper, but IT’S ALL STILL CONFUSING AF.
44. Close computer.
45. Reevaluate life.
46. Maybe 30 is still too young for preventative skin care. You still call your parents about how to choose health insurance plans after all.
47. Maybe all you need is to drink four liters of water a day and sleep eight hours a night. Isn’t that what Jennifer Aniston does? Is she still relevant? Oh god.
48. Decide you’re going to be ok sticking with your over-the-counter Nutrogena acne face wash you’ve been using since high school for a while until you can do some research, or turn 33, whichever comes first.
49. Find salicylic acid peace for one week until you wander into a skin care store while shopping for much needed blouses on a Saturday.
50. The friendly sales woman asks if you need any help.
51. You break down and practically sob into her bosom. “Yes,” you cry, “Yes, I do.”
52. She looks at you sympathetically and shows you a few products, including a $60 face scrub that looks good enough to eat — literally, it’s made with brown sugar and strawberries.
53. You agree to try out the moisturizer, cleanser, and the eye cream. She says it’s all you need right now.
54. Despite being in a very vulnerable place, you only spend $100.
55. You are grateful to this woman who did not push face dessert onto your receipt.
56. You go home and use your products.
57. After a week, your skin feels softer and more supple. Not a Facebook memory of a wild night out at a bar from six years ago firmer, but definitely an improvement.
58. You stop worrying so much about skin care products and the aging process in general.
59. Resume confidence that you’re in your prime.
60. Still don’t know what toner is.

*Based on true events.