Letting Go
Letting Go
What feels better than being in control? Letting go of it.
We are well into the new year, and everyone wants to start fresh — to leave the past behind and take control of the future. But sometimes, unforeseen events happen that prevent us from harnessing control. It may be a passing, breakup, betrayal or missed opportunity — frequently associated with a series of emotions — sadness, confusion, anger, and frustration. Which is why it is essential to understand and be open to “letting go.” Many people struggle with the concept because they can’t see past their challenges. However, beautiful things transpire from letting go — we merely have to give them a chance and allow them to happen.
Why do people desperately hold on?
People are afraid of letting go because they think about what may (or may not) happen if they don’t. In other words — control is rooted in fear.
…fear of the unknown takes away from everything we may be used to — leaving us feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable.
Let’s face reality — we cannot control everything that happens to us (or around us for that matter), but we always have the power to choose how we react. How we feel determines how we respond. It also works the opposite way. Our reactions can fuel how we feel (and we want to feel good). That’s why when we try to predict and prevent certain situations and circumstances, we feel worried, stressed, anxious, and fearful. Ironically, these emotions can make us feel like we’re in less control. However, when we learn to let go, we experience freedom and inner peace.
Why is it important to let go?
Letting go allows you to practice the art of surrender. Surrender doesn’t necessarily mean losing or giving up — it means to stop resisting, and accepting what is.
What are the benefits?
• Freedom: We feel liberated.
• Happiness: We experience absolute and pure joy.
• Peace of Mind: We begin to embody calmness and clarity.
• Relief: We gain reassurance that everything is ok.
Part of the “letting go” process is learning to accept what is and not what you (and your feelings) want them to be. The following are some ways that may help you:
1) Allow yourself to feel your emotions
This is part of the healing process. Don’t resist. Ignoring what you genuinely feel can hinder healing and lead to resentment. Acknowledging them will help you learn and grow. Confronting your emotions may be painful, but necessary and trivial to help you move on.
2) Accept the things you cannot change and control the things you can — yourself!
You can’t control anyone else — whether it is a family member, friend, significant other, or co-worker. You can’t make someone better, nicer, healthier, or work harder. You may certainly try. But not everyone is ready or willing to do their inner work — and you can’t do it for them. Understand that everyone’s actions (or lack of for that matter) have a consequence. If they don’t learn, they will endure the repercussions.
3) Avoid Attachment
When we attach — or identify with our thoughts, we often become defined by them. And when we become defined by something, we tend to believe it. Moreover, when we firmly believe something, we tend to reject anything that opposes it. However, the moment we turn closed minded, we don’t allow the opportunity for anything better to happen. Many people also tend to attach themselves to an outcome or expectation. And when the result doesn’t manifest how we expected or what we desired, we grow disappointed. Holding on doesn’t change the past or resolve an issue. Suffering is the result of attachment. Detach yourself from expectations and respect yourself to release thoughts, habits, and people that don’t improve you.
4) Live in The Present
I can’t emphasize this enough. Far too often, people think about the past and future, forgetting about what they have in the present. If you don’t appreciate what you currently have, you will end up losing it. Then, it too will become a part of your past, and there is no guarantee it will return in the future. Therefore, if you have something amazing, stay in the moment and work hard to keep and protect it. It’s natural to ponder about yesterday and prepare for tomorrow, but try not to overthink the details or attach yourself to outcomes or memories.
5) Change Your Perception
It’s not what you see; it’s how you look at it. Identify the root cause of your sadness or pain, and see the blessing behind it. Every negative person or situation teaches you something. You may not see it at first — give it time. It will all make sense. The process is not a way to force yourself to get over it or to make you forget what happened. It is to help you see another perspective.
6) Talk It Out
Your mind and body are your temple — don’t pollute it with thoughts and reactions that negatively impact you. If possible, have a conversation with the person who hurt you. This way, you don’t internalize your feelings and project it onto someone else who had nothing to do with why you are hurting. If talking to the offender is not an option, discuss it with a trusted family or friend. The point is to let it all out.
7) Take Responsibility
When people are unhappy, they usually play the victim and blame their sadness on someone else. Don’t dwell on things the other person did wrong. Instead, re-focus your energy on what you could’ve done to handle the situation better. As difficult as it may be to accept — no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
8) Forgive
This comes up a lot — and for a good reason. Forgiveness is for you, not the other person. It doesn’t necessarily imply that you’ve excused them — it means you deserve peace. You can forgive someone and not have anything to do with them. Past reconciliation, does not always mean future consideration. Don’t force forgiveness — only do so when you are ready. It has to come from a genuine place for you to move on.
9) Breathe
Mindful breathing is a simple yet powerful tool that can help ground you in the here in now. Living in the past or future can conjure stress and anxiety. Use 5 minutes to close your eyes and take a deep breath, then release any ill sentiments as you exhale. Continue to focus on controlled breathing. Then open your eyes and notice the things that physically surround you. This activity will help you reset and bring you back to the present.
10) Be Patient
Letting go is a process. It will not happen overnight. There is no immediate or easy solution. If you don’t see results right away, you may grow frustrated and be tempted to turn to unhealthy ways of coping. Avoid doing anything excessive or extreme like drinking and drugging — these methods only mask your pain (and for some, may make the pain worse). Refer to constructive and healthy methods — like some of the ones listed above.
Give yourself an opportunity to be transformed into a better you. If you begin to physically feel lighter — like a weight has been lifted off your head and shoulders, then you know you’re on the right track.
Some challenges and conflicting concepts
We are told that thoughts lead to actions — that we can attain anything we want if we simply visualize the outcome. To this, I say, “Trust the universe.” Things won’t manifest perfectly, or the way you expect them to. But sometimes, situations need to unravel, and people need to leave so that greater things can come into fruition. Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall into place. The universe finds the most effortless and organic way to manifest things in our lives. Let go and allow the universe to take the lead.
A quote that has helped me on my journey
“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” — Rainer Maria Rilke