Hello It’s Me Before the Internet Friend

Hello, it’s me. I would rather be writing to you in pen and ink. I have so many things to say to you. It will never flow together. It will always go in every which direction. I feel like I know you from another life where you never really existed. Five years ago I was 22 and you were 27. Here I am turning 27 in just 16 days. I feel like there’s nothing I can say to make this different. It might have been doomed from the start. I still don’t know how all of this happened. You were there and then you weren’t. You were always my friend until one day you completely disappeared and left me here in the dark wondering what happened to you. It’s so strange that you’re not there anymore. I felt like you were always there and that someday...I can see now, that was never part of the plan. Even when I was in Vermont I was so twitter-pated over the idea of meeting you — knowing you finally. Here I am from a far wondering if you were ever real. I remind myself of small human things you would do to reel me back in when I left you (send me a snapchat of your cat or hamster Francoise in a coffee cup). I don’t know where to go from here. I feel barricaded by walls and left in a pit of death. Death | Life. That’s you, not me. I am life. I am life abandoned by you. You love my drama and myself. You did. I know you did. Or maybe I was just your job. I just know that something is now missing and you’ve taken it from me. I feel like there could be more for me to find. I wish I would have sent you ten thousand belligerent emails just so I could read through them and remember who you are. But I never knew you and you make me believe that I did. You put thoughts in my mind and made me excited about shadows from buildings, lines on barcodes, window reflections, and rubrics cubes. Between you and me the world stands as an unsolved rubrics cube. Each square a secret that will never be told. Secrets lie below every surface but these have gone deep into the earth’s rock and have left me as wondrous as a prisoner. I am the Count of Monte Cristo and you locked me in a cement room with nothing to do but stair at the ceiling. The stars is in the building, their hands is to the ceiling. I want this conversation to continue. I bought a neoprene suit today and thought of you. White shoes and skinny models make me think of you. Black ball caps and nature. You are in my mind on these accounts and, clap twice, it’s the death of me. The death that keeps me hooked on nothing but wonder. Wondrous me, woe is me. I’m not anonymous enough, I’m not the trout swimming beneath murky water, I am the koi shimmering in the moonlight — there for all to see. It’s on my sleeve, bright and shiny and abrupt, really loud and clumsy. You gracefully dipped out of my life and into death. You’ve died to me. I have mourned you in wonder. I am so addicted, closure is nothing I crave. You are all I crave. And you love my drama. It’s real to me and make believe to you. One moment it’s sex with glowing faces and the next it’s death himself imprinting on my vision, the way I see things, the way I am. I have grown to be this bitter thing — I can’t get the flavor out of my mouth. Chlorine and fallen leaves in a backyard pool. Tears fill jars and the palms of your hands and I dash behind you, I’m licking your heels like a crazed puppy. Naps and nightmares, white sheets, and cherry blossoms you have messed with my senses. I have been knocked senseless like a boxing fight I’ve lost. It was rigged and planned this way so I would never know. Yet you never knew it would hit me this hard. That I would be left wounded in the wood as you hide away with shelter from the storm. I bleed and pad at the fallen leaves for answers and hope. There’s nothing that can be said and nothing that can be done to save this tattered sweatshirt. Moth holes and rap music — before the internet you would have been my soul mate. Before the internet, we were intertwined with green eyes and a camera along the east coast bird hunting and treasure seeking in our own bodies. Digging deeper as the sun rose higher and seared all of the eggs in the only basket that I had. Now you’re gone and this shall be continued.

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