People can bring you feelings of defeat, desperation, sadness, and times you think to yourself, “it can’t get any worse” — even by reading those words you might already have a memory surfacing.
We experience these emotions oftentimes due to the relationships that we create among each other.
My mind has been turning lately with the realization that many of us keep our demons locked away in the darkest, most remote corner of our brains. I fully appreciated this recent discovery, of course, in the most personal way.
The Conflict.
There was a period of three years of my life that I seemed to find myself in one bad relationship after another. No. I’m not just referring to love interests. Among the boyfriends, there were friendships, acquaintances and even a string of mentors that let me down, abused my trust, treated me poorly and exposed me sadness and anger. Those people, in my eyes, led me to hurt. The short period of time left many marks on my heart and soul. I’ll stop there, though. This isn’t a tragedy. It’s a recovery story.
Some of my most meaningful, wonderful and caring relationships were also forged during this time. I was lucky enough to have enough support surrounding me to help me to accept and handle situations. That led to growth and clarity. For a while though, I felt like I was living in a constant storm.
I couldn’t see past my fear for a long time — I didn’t want to know anyone. Knowing requires vulnerability, my least favorite of friends.
The Recovery
Letting the (Not-so) Good Times Flow
The first lesson I had to learn:
Quit compartmentalizing. Accept that you have memories of negative experiences, and don’t try to forget or modify them. Acceptance of your past is freeing. Take the weight off of your shoulders.
“Forgiveness means letting go of the past.” — Gerald Jampolsky
Actually Feel your Emotions
This is crucial. Once a negative memory comes to you, focus on it. Think about how you’re feeling, and then accept that too. You may have noticed a theme beginning here.
One of my absolute greatest friends helped me to work on this practice. Many of our conversations start the following way: “So, I have a lot of feelings.” Typically at that point, we would both start to laugh (we have a lot of feelings, a lot of the time). But then, the response comes: “Okay, tell me about it.”
The key is the recognition of emotions. Then, seek understanding.
If you’re angry, or sad, or lonely, think about why you feel that way. If you can actively recognize what you feel, and why you feel it, you’ve begun to truly deal with your problems.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Now, Keep Trying.
Don’t lose your ability or your propensity to trust, care for, become excited about or love another person.
Humans are said to be creatures of habit, but we avoid pain. It’s a survival instinct. Just like you might draw your hand away from a scalding surface or handle, we shrink back into ourselves when a situation becomes potentially “dangerous.” It’s probably obvious, but if you aren’t open to the possibility of new things in your life, you’ll shut out the good with the bad. There’s a difference between being careful and making an excuse.
Don’t Stop Searching for Passion.
The final installment in my epiphany was a comparison of want and need. Prior, I merely wanted to be passionate. I know now that I need to be passionate to feel happy, alive and to live to my potential.
There is no passion to be found playing small — in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.
- Nelson Mandela
I need passion to get what I want from life. This absolutely includes relationships. Feeling deeply, being fully in a moment, devoting yourself to something, using emotion, immersing yourself, taking a risk — try them.
Pick and Choose
Be selective. If you can control the negative influences in your life, assert that power!
If you can affect someone’s behavior, try. If there is change that you can make to your environment — make it. Each and every person in your life should bring you positive energy.
A relationship should be used to truly relate to another person. While that’s a terrifying reality, I’m no longer scared.
I now cherish the possibilities that a relationship, new or old, can bring.
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