Where will this lead me?

Busting Out!

Hello. My name is Renee and (gulp)…I’m a new blogger. I can hear the resounding “Hiiii Renee” said almost in unison across the web, similar to what happens as members at an AA meeting greet those brave enough to share; welcoming this bright eyed baby blogger who has come out of the shadows to bare her thoughts and soul through words across the miles of the world wide web. I’m taking one step at a time across a new bridge, yet I’m unaware of where it will lead.

Let me fill you in on a little about me: I have been (or currently am) single, married, divorced, remarried, blended a family, had multiple children, ached for those that can’t experience the joy of childbirth, home-schooled some of my kids, had some in public & private school, been a stay at home mom, worked full time, worked part time, been thin, struggled with being overweight, been broke, had money to spare, been drunk & been sober, been speeding down a highway on the back of a bike higher than life itself with excitement and been too scared to make a move). I’m sure I could think of more, but here’s my point..I’m a lot like the rest of you. I’ve been through my fair share of ‘stuff’, learning and growing along the way (with more to go) and I’m still here. Still standing. Still smiling most days. :)

This is my inaugural Medium blog! I even put jeans and a bra on for the special occasion (lucky you! ha; I don’t currently work outside of the home so my dress code typically consists of yoga pants and a t-shirt). You see, I’ve been contemplating for many years exactly what I wanted to be when I ‘grow up’. What that is has changed a few times as my life’s circumstances changed. As I’ve aged, the fire in my soul pushing me to hurry up and accomplish something big has gone from a brightly burning flame to a mild, flickering glow. I don’t consider that a bad thing entirely, as having a lot of get up and go with no clear direction to follow can feel quite frustrating. My life has included too many of those years and I’m ready to chart a calmer course and focus on contentment and slightly controlled chaos over busy-ness.

I am very excited to share my world and my interpretation of it with you all! At the very least it will be similar to a free form of therapy. At most, I might even end up making a little bit of money down the road with my new found voice. Words that usually get jumbled and are difficult to keep up with as they rush out of my mouth will be more thoughtfully placed on a platform that allows me to think things through before putting them out into the world. Jokes have circulated for years within my family about how some of them need a translator to absorb what I’ve said. Said translator is usually my mom or another member who has the dual talent of being able to keep up with me yet also slow down enough to put what I said into the ‘Readers Digest’ version for those that look confused and unable to keep up with my version of English. At this point, I’m also very thankful for that typing class I took back in high school with a real typewriter (don’t judge). Even though it felt like a form of extremity torture back in the day, my fingers now glide across my laptop keys like a pro as I put my thoughts to ‘paper’.

It is genuinely refreshing to peel back the layers of me and to discover that there is a writer/blogger underneath all of the to-do’s, being very available to my family and the everyday distractions of the world we live in. My mind is aroused and stimulated at discovering a love I had pushed down to the depths of myself over the years. The thought of being vulnerable enough to write tried to break through from under the surface and catch its breath from time to time; to acquire life giving air in order to flourish, but the time was not right until now I suppose. When I was in school (during my younger years and some college courses I’ve taken since), I almost despised having to slow down enough to form intelligent, well drafted lines about what was in my head. Now I love the idea of a process that will help calm the stormy seas known as the muddled thinking that goes on in my brain day after day.

I won’t be telling many of those in my “real life” circle about this just yet. I’d like to see where it leads first. I don’t think they’d understand the intoxication of taking the time to convey feelings and opinions, taking a chance that someone, somewhere receives them and is affected by them in a meaningful way. It doesn’t matter if only one person smiles because of something I’ve written about. It’s ok if I never make a buck or two; I’d do it for free. I’ve found my thing! Do you experienced ones remember the feeling of first starting out? Do you recall how writing soothed your soul (and hopefully still does)? Are you accomplishing what you dreamed by sharing your hearts and souls with the world? Can you recollect how something that you can now produce in an hour used to take two days?

I feel like I’m going to have to sneak away (physically, mentally or both) to write. My new “relationship” will need to be nourished with heart felt emotion and my undivided attention. I feel like I’m beginning an affair…except for it’s with the English language. And this isn’t immoral…and won’t potentially ruin my marriage. I believe that I’ll get as much satisfaction from reading blogs as I will writing blogs. I could spend hours doing both! Will the dishes & laundry still get done? Will we have a path to walk through the house by a month from now? Time will tell. I’ll keep you posted.

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