Guess He Doesn’t Really Know Me.

I’ve always valued working with a great team. I’m sure most people would agree that working with like-minded individuals is not only a more productive endeavour, it’s also a much more enjoyable one. I’ve been struggling lately with working with someone whom I suspect doesn’t respect me as a professional. We’re not friends, therefore hard to tell if he respects me as a friend or even a human being, but it’s clear by the way he engages with me in a workplace public setting that he doesn’t trust my judgment and doesn’t like my work, which manifests in a way that suggests that he does not respect me as a person.

Respect is something I’ve grown up with, having been raised in a multicultural and liberal environment, where our community supports individuality and the freedom to be the person we choose to be. I’ve been taught throughout my whole adolescence to be polite and in worst case scenarios, agree to disagree. Further, if I have nothing kind to say, say nothing at all. Of course, sometimes it’s necessary to be cruel to be kind, but this wasn’t one of those moments.

Yesterday I started my work day to a very harsh criticism of my latest work. I was accused of doing something half-assed and judging by the verbage used, my work was outright offensive. Of course if you know me, half-assed is never my style. The only time I do anything half-assed is when explicitly commanded by upper management to “not spend too much time on it” because it’s not important. Even then I sneak in whatever time I can to produce something decent because I always stand by my quality of work. It’s the over-achiever quality in me. One that has kept me up countless hours during my school nights, polishing a particular project that most kids slap together, knowing that in the grand scheme of things our lives will not hinge on the perfection of a book report cover in the 8th grade. I get teary eyed when I forget my homework at home, honest to God not in a my-dog-ate-it kind of way. I don’t like to let anyone down. There is a stinging in my heart and a hollow dread in my chest at the realization that I’ve done something that affects the people around me in a negative way. I’m that kid who wants to make everyone feel included because the feeling of exclusion makes me want to crawl into a hole and drown in my own tears.

I am saddened not by the criticism that my work misses the mark with functionality or clarity. I am overwhelmingly perplexed that someone could think that I don’t care about my work; that someone could judge me for being lazy with my responsibilities. Of course, people don’t know where I come from and what goes on in my head. They don’t know that I spent my childhood and teenage years constantly seeking approval from a critical mother, with whom 100% effort is not on a good day, but the baseline for every day. I had the tiger mom and I know that any criticism about my being apathetic or lazy is like having her crack the imaginary whip at me. It hurts deeply. But of course people don’t know this about me, how could they?

I believe that compassion is necessary all the time. It’s easy to get swept up in criticizing someone for their shortcomings. Belittling other people has a powerful way of making us feel better about ourselves. It’s harder to take a step back and exercise perspective. At the very least, we should have the tact, the patience, and the grace to be kind to one another especially in a workplace environment when we are trying to achieve something together. If it’s a matter of a mismatch in skill sets, then it’s a corporate matter. On a peer to peer level, we should treat each other like human beings ought to be treated: with dignity and respect.

Negativity and manipulation in the workplace is a cancer. I’ve yet to fully understand what is it about my existence or my thinking that offends that other person. I don’t think it’s something I can demand. Even asking about it will yield only half-truths. In my experience, sometimes the other person might not fully know either. I have to have the patience to let them come to me, or come to terms with me on their own. Any other measure will be forced and insincere. This is the hard part. The waiting. The knowledge that someone close to you, at least the sense of the day-to-day workplace engagement, thinks so little of you.

I am a conflicted person. The mediator in me tells me to be kind and patient, the prideful achiever in me tells me to fight back and put an end to the shenanigans once and for all. I’ve always chalked the negative vibes I feel to cultural differences. Like maybe it’s socially acceptable to use such words and tone with one another where that individual is from. I can’t fathom living in such a place, with my delicate sensibilities. It’s not about being airy faerie or spread only sunshine and rainbows with others to prove kindness. In my opinion, it’s about having enough respect for another human being to package words in a way that is helpful and motivates them to improve where you think improvement is needed.

I am ashamed to admit I have been tempted by these seemingly crude remarks and have responded in kind with an air of dismissal. It’s not like me to be unkind. I shall renew my efforts to take the high road where this person is concerned. To say this person doesn’t matter to me would be false. Evidently I care enough about what they think to allow it to affect me. After all, I take my team seriously and respect them enough to care about their thoughts about me and my work.

My team matters to me. Building great things start with deep trust within the team. I think it’s great to be open and honest enough to tell each other what we think in a small, intimate team. It would be even greater if we could all have the foresight to attempt helping one another grow as people and professionals without publicly shaming them. That is how I felt today, yet I am even more grateful to the other team members who recognize that there is a fine line that was violated today. I can’t yet know whether that team member was sincere in their apology, but it’s a start, and I am waiting for the shift in our working relationship as time goes on.

Everyone I’ve griped to about my workplace struggles have urged me to have a sit-down and a heart-to-heart. I’ve never been one to hold a grudge and I think the ball is in their court. I don’t want to force myself and feelings onto someone else. However, think of me not as a victim of my own situation, rather I like to think of myself as a patient sibling waiting for my brother to “come around”. It’s happened before. With patience, kindness and a little space for personal growth, I think we’ll get there.