Netflix Proudly Presents And Must Immediately Cancel The Following Programs

Tim Sniffen
Aug 22, 2019 · 3 min read

Greetings from your favorite streaming service!

We at Netflix would like to remind you: we’re not just the studio behind entertainment juggernauts like Nostalgic Spookytown. Deep down in our secret corporate heart, we feel an obligation to provide content that appeals to every member of our sprawling viewership, and to that end, we continuously seek out fresh, new voices — those telling stories not being told elsewhere — and offer the full support of our platform, right up until the moment we don’t anymore.

With this in mind, please join us in welcoming these thrilling new additions to our programming lineup that we simply have no choice but to cancel.

A Family Like Mine

Meet the Diaz family: Claudia, Sonia, Tommy… and Grandma Marie, the unforgettable stars of a comedy-drama that reimagines the face of middle-class America. Gone are your father’s white-washed family shows of the past; Gone, also, is the Diaz family we just mentioned, who failed to connect with three households in the Rhode Island area and became an unsustainable media albatross. Make sure to tune in as we bid farewell to these admittedly forgettable characters on their final episode, where Grandma Marie attempts to revive her dance career. Please ignore the final screen that says TO BE CONTINUED.

Birds Of A Feather

A female-centric animated comedy whose time has come, from the artist who brought you Sad Celebrity Horse. This big-hearted depiction of avian best friends will leave audiences hungry for more… a hunger that, ultimately, will go unsatisfied, as the animal stars of this freshman outing never quite caught fire with America during the title sequence of their pilot episode. Our collective shame at having greenlit this character-driven Waterloo may drive us to erase it any day now, so catch the show our Chief Marketing Officer called “that thing at the bottom of my to-do list” before it’s gone.

News Slam! with Sarah Lynx

Netflix takes on the news roundup world, armed with the laser focus and say-anything sensibility of standup goddess Sarah Lynx. Unbound by the time constraints of other news shows, Sarah can deep dive into the most pressing issues of the day — and by ‘deep dive’, we mean ‘snorkel’, as Sarah “Ratings Hemlock” Lynx says goodbye to the desk this evening, during her premiere and final episode. While it’s true, late-night hosts can often take a season to settle into character and win the audience, sometimes, like with gas station sushi or “Drama-free!” in a dating profile… it’s best to cut bait and run.

NOTE: Viewers expressing frustration with finding News Slam! through our home page, or rather, the one red pixel at the bottom corner of our home page: try typing ‘Dirty Secret’ into the search menu.

The Marauders

Years of origin stories and meticulous world-building culminate in a rushed and scattershot conclusion: watching this will feel like trying to read the Settlers of Catan rulebook if it were taped to a passing train. Can four flawed superheroes work together to defeat the ultimate villain? Who knows? They never get further than the ultimate villain’s appointment secretary before being undone by their true nemesis: jumpy executives. Careful viewers should keep an eye out for Easter Eggs hinting at years of future adventures, now best described as “random inexplicable details”. Big screen storytelling comes to the small screen! Before panicking and returning to the big screen.

Streaming, Incorporated

This unflinching exposé on streaming services dares to ask, “Why are some shows granted unlimited resources and exposure when equally promising shows seem to” — sorry to interrupt, we just received word that not a single Neilsen family cares about this, and frankly, neither do we. Good riddance.

Untitled Minority-Driven Sci-Fi Anthology Series Who Are We Kidding We Can’t Even Make It Through The Title

Let’s be realistic.

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There you have it! Please understand: no one is more heartbroken to see these newly-minted shows depart the airwaves than the billion-dollar studio that could choose to keep making them. But nothing could be done. Or so the algorithms tell us.

And remember, we have to make room for the next wave of fresh, promising, cancelled shows.

In the meantime, you’re going to love Nostalgic Spookytown, Season Fourteen.

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Tim Sniffen

Written by

Writing: Work In Progress on Showtime, The New Yorker, NPR’s Live From Here, Hello From The Magic Tavern, McSweeney’s, Jackbox Games | Twitter @MisterSniffen

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