Welcome to Slapdash!

Tim Sniffen
Oct 24, 2017 · 3 min read

What is Slapdash?

Slapdash is the exciting new service that delivers high-end, custom-made garments right to your door each month. Keep what you like, return the rest, look great. It’s that easy.

I’ve had trouble finding clothes that fit in the past. What makes Slapdash different?

Simple: the difference is us. Fill out our questionnaire, shoot us some measurements, and let our fashion technicians do the rest. We’ve yet to meet the person whose fit and style is beyond our help!

What about the rumors?

Thanks for bringing this up. Yes, some ‘unfriendly forces’ have been spreading absolutely untrue information about Slapdash. Do not believe these lies. Slapdash does one thing only: we send runway-ready fashion right to your door that you’re going to love.

So the company isn’t a front to get rid of a bunch of stuff from some guy’s apartment?

Absolutely not. Who would have the time and energy to do such a thing — create an entire company to get rid of everything Erica left behind?

Erica?

Great question. For a time, Erica Wallers was a close companion of the founder of Slapdash — a person with whom he shared a special connection, a once-in-a-lifetime connection. Recently, Erica announced her desire to ignore this connection and abandon their relationship, leaving behind the artifacts of a shared life and a hopeful future that, in retrospect, seems impossibly naive.

See, that’s the thing. My friend tried Slapdash and received a box of sweater-dresses, a dozen empty photo frames, and a baby name book.

With all due respect, that is unlikely. The baby name book was meant to go in the bonfire.

But should you ever receive something from Slapdash you didn’t request, use one of our print-at-home shipping labels to return it! [Also, is it so terrible to at least consider the idea of putting items to use that hold painful associations for another? Those sweater-dresses were hand-sewn in Valencia, and not cheap.]

My friend did try to return their box. The post office wouldn’t accept it because the address was in the middle of a public park.

Again, this seems extremely unlikely. Slapdash would never intentionally distribute false information.

But surely you’ll agree that Erica’s debris coming to reside in Barrister Park — the very location of her first date with Slapdash’s founder — would be a fitting irony indeed. Picture it: all those beautiful, expensive things — purchased amidst an increasing frenzy to win the favor of someone who will never truly see you, all while being accused of ‘trying to bribe your way into something that was never there’ — piled high, exposed to the elements, rotting: a monument to those who risked everything for love, and found only disappointment.

But with disappointment comes opportunity — and that’s why we’re offering your first three months with Slapdash for the price of one.

Fine. I’ll give Slapdash a try.

You won’t regret it. Welcome to the Slapdash family! You’ll receive your first shipment within a week. In the interest of eco-sensitivity, your items may be sent in a “gently used” cardboard box, or a plastic bag with your address written in Sharpie.

Take a look inside… and prepare to fall in love with what you find. You’ll love it because we at Slapdash cannot. Not anymore.

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Writing: Work In Progress on Showtime, The New Yorker, NPR’s Live From Here, Hello From The Magic Tavern, McSweeney’s, Jackbox Games | Twitter @MisterSniffen

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