To the Woman Seeking an Abortion and Those Who Judge Her

You know when someone has food stuck on their face and you debate telling them because you do not want to embarrass them, but the majority of the time you just let them continue on embarrassing themselves because you don’t have the guts to tell them?

Well, I think there is something about Abortion that everyone notices, but no one is willing to point it out. It is just easier to fight over who and what is right and over look the very deepest roots of the issue. What I see at the bottom of this barrel isn’t very clear, but if I had to put a name to it, I would call it shame.

We don’t often let the S.H.A.M.E. word slip past our lips, so it is worth defining it so we are all on the same page.

Dr. Brene Brown the amazing shame researcher says, “Shame is fear of disconnection. It’s the fear that something we have done or have failed to do, not living up to an ideal or a goal, makes us unworthy of connection. Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are flawed and are, therefore, unworthy of love and belonging.”

Shame is the reason we are all fighting and shame is the reason you as a pregnant woman are considering an abortion.

When I think about you, the woman who has such a special opportunity to inspire the world with your knowledge and experience, I think of every 2 year old girl. It is her dream and innate interest to nurture and mother.

If you’ve ever stopped to watch a little girl in a room full of toys, she always chooses the doll. She feeds it, diapers it, hugs and kisses it, and holds it fiercely tight when someone else is eyeing it wantingly. If you don’t believe me, take a few minutes to really watch little kids play. Even the little boys are, not surprisingly, ramming cars together and “fixing” them with a toy hammer. Why? Because these divine parental attributes are a part of who we are, they are genetic. It is the circle of life to be born, grow, mature, and reproduce. Girls grow up to nurture children. Boys grow up to provide and protect. Motherhood and Fatherhood is the purpose and end result of our sexual attraction. Reproduction is THE basic human desire.

Therefore, when I peek into your world and get inside your head, the only thing I see that could override your innate drive to become a mother is your need for emotional and physical survival. So, it’s the fear of not being worthy of and loved by a mother and father, a boyfriend, a spouse, a sibling, a friend, or most importantly, yourself that is driving you to abortion, to survive. Our existing relationships with family and ourselves are huge to our emotional survival. The last thing we want to do is cause embarrassment or alienation, so it’s an easy choice to sacrifice something we haven’t seen come to fruition to pacify our connections or keep our plans in order.

To you, my dear friend who is considering having an abortion,

What ever your reason, I can see why abortion is a very valid option. It is a problem solver with very few ill effects. It will save you or someone else from embarrassment and it will take away the stress of the unknown.

I get it. I really do. However, I’m a mom. I’ve been through the dark scary pregnancy tunnel more than once or twice. I have had to hold on with both hands through the darkest and scariest parts of motherhood, from no sleep and no money to lost relationships and no social life. Motherhood is a long term investment and a different lifestyle, but there is a reason nurturing children to adulthood is a part of the beautiful life cycle. It is the only way we can satisfy a natural and divine itch.

My dear friend, I won’t judge you, but I will leave you with a word of caution. If shame is leading you to an abortion; because being pregnant or being a mother makes you flawed or a failure or unworthy of your relationships and goals, please take a second look at your emotions and motivations. You are not a bad person no matter what you choose. Other people will never know how you truly feel inside nor will they treat you the way they should. Just know the truth, mothers live with regret everyday for not being good enough. Whether or not you abort, you are still a mother and you will have regrets.

To the rest of us who forge our own opinions

It is good to have opinions! It is even better to believe and stand by what we know to be true, but it would serve us well to listen and show more empathy towards those who are neck deep in an issue that none of us can fully wrap our heads around. If all our intentions were exacted with love and acceptance, then abortion would hardly be an issue. Agency to choose is what makes us human. Experience is the best teacher. Love inspires hope.