Do You Want to Be a Vampire?
Last week*, a spam email managed to bypass my filters and end up in my inbox. I almost deleted it automatically, but then I saw the message started with “Do you want to be a vampire” and I just knew I had to check it out. I had a feeling it’d be good for a laugh, and boy was I right.
The email, purportedly from a “Mr. Williams Parker”, had atrociously bad grammar and punctuation, but the premise was too good to resist: “Do you want to be a vampire, are you tired of being human, having talented brain turning to a vampire in a good posture in ten minutes, with out delaying in a good human posture and becoming an immortal. A world of vampire where life get easier, we have made so many persons vampires and have turned them rich, you will assured long life and prosperity, you shall be made to be very sensitive to mental alertness, stronger and also very fast, you will not be restricted to walking at night only even at the very middle of broad day light you will be made to walk, this is an opportunity to have the human vampire virus to perform in a good posture.”
The email then gave an email address for a “Gary Landis” to contact for more information. I was intrigued; if nothing else, I had a feeling it would make for a good commentary this week and a few hours of entertainment. After just a moment’s hesitation, I created a fake Gmail account under the name “Misty Fritsche” and fired off an email saying I’d always wanted to be a vampire and asking for more information.
Just minutes later, “Gary” replied. This read, in part, “Firstly i will like to welcome you to the Vampire Temple, and also Becoming part of the clan is a life made Easy and comfortable. All your heart desires will be granted at anytime you wish for them,. Once you are fully transformed. You will live the life of an immortal and look more attractive everyday, good health and riches. Before i can start with the procedure on how to become an Immortal Vampire My Dear. We can get to know each other well first. I’m Gary Landis from New Orleans, U.S.A. I Reside In Austria, Graz. I’m the chief Clan of All the Vampires in the whole of America, Europe and Asia.”
The end of the email had a brief form for me to fill out. I expected it to ask for credit card information right away, but it didn’t — instead, it wanted my name, age, country, state, phone number, marital status, and information about my birth — month, new moon or full moon, birth mark, long nails (not sure what the relevance of that was) and eye color, as well as a photo. I filled it out with random information and pulled a stock image from Google and sent it back.
“Gary” replied in another lengthy email, stating I needed to purchase four items for my transformation: vampire blood, vampire bible, vampire necklace and a ring (he did not specify a vampire ring). He also issued a warning: “I need you to also know that there are generally two ways Vampire transformation can be painful, which are Physical The body is tortured during the transformation process This is rather understandable, as one would imagine the bones and organs shifting around as having some sort of impact on the nerves, mental/Spiritual the user’s mind is overrun with horrid.”
The transformation process, he said, would be this: “It will take just 5 days for you to become a vampire because at night once you are alone in your room, there shall be a vampire assigned to teach you more on how to control yourself with a vampire cup of blood that will be brought to you also along side with the ring i am telling you about,. My dear once you have been given the vampire blood and ring you will be instructed on how to drink the vampire blood, and then once you have done that, you will become a full blooded vampire at once without any delays coming up by that time again.”
The gig was up not long after that, because the fake phone number I had given him didn’t actually work, but I was able to string him along for a bit longer, until he finally gave me an email address for a “Spell Market” where I could supposedly buy those items. I didn’t bother trying to contact them, because I’d already had my fun, but if someone wants to give it a shot, let me know and I’ll pass on the information — just don’t go blaming me if you actually turn into a vampire!
* — This commentary originally appeared in the Oct. 11, 2018, issue of the Macoupin County Enquirer-Democrat.
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