No longer looking up at the mountain

What a difference a few months can make.

Photo by Flickr user barnyz, used under a Creative Commons license.

A few months ago, I stood at the base of a pretty tall mountain, looking up and unsure I could even force myself to start.

I wasn’t sure I had the right gear. Tennis shoes aren’t great for hiking, right? Do I need carabiners and a helmet? I forgot to bring water, I should probably go grab my CamelBak, huh?

This process may have repeated itself a few times. Maybe more than a few.

Every time I came back to the base of that giganto hill, it loomed even larger over me. All I could focus on was how big the hill was, and I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t want to do it.

All this is true, except that mountain? Was basically my life.

It’s not that I didn’t want to be here. Never that. But I felt so overwhelmed at the thought of pretty much everything. Work was hard, parenting was hard, being married was hard. The only way I could ever seem to relax was by totally zoning out on my phone.

In some ways, before I even consciously realized something needed to change, I knew it needed to change. I was standing at the foot of the mountain, looking up and not even realizing what I was seeing.

The first step was less an actual step and more admitting that I didn’t know what I was doing and needed help.

Before I knew it, I was on Zoloft, taking iron and vitamin D and feeling surprisingly better, and suddenly I wasn’t looking up at the mountain. I was on the mountain.

This isn’t going to be some day hike, and it’s not going to be alone.

My climb continues. I visited my primary care doctor today and talked through how I’ve been feeling. We decided to up my dosage of Zoloft. I asked if she could refer me to someone I could talk to about my anxiety, my tendency to stress eat and stress spend. She did. I asked if she thought I could start on the same weight-loss medication Bobby has been taking to jump start some weight loss and help me feel better.

As a side note, there’s nothing wrong with being fat, but for me, it’s interfering with my ability to live a happy life and be as active as I want.

I’m struggling my way up that mountain. I can look back and see the progress I’ve made, and now I’m thinking about the amazing views I have ahead of me. And you know what? It doesn’t look as big as I once thought it was.

I can conquer it. I will conquer it.