On Some Particular Matters of Bathroom Etiquette

An essay on three common behavioral ‘dilemmas’

Mitch Gundrum
Aug 31, 2018 · 4 min read

On the subject of bathroom etiquette, there are several practices I consider to have been well-established by now as the best among the alternatives, and yet debates on them seem to persist. In terms of hygienics and efficiency, there are few of these I think I can put to rest here. I’ll start off with what I consider to be the least controversial topic and go from there, so that you’re free to continue up to your own threshold for such talk.

Seth Wheeler’s original 1891 patent for a toilet-paper roll quite clearly demonstrates his intention for the roll to be oriented in an ‘over’ fashion, with the lead end of the paper running clockwise out from its mounting point, and still the point is contested. In this case, the intended configuration is also the optimal one.

A rear-facing or ‘under’ oriented roll creates unnecessary drag by moving the tear force (the angle at which a user pulls a sheet off of the roll) parallel to the mounting point. The awkward angle implied with this setup yields longer-than-necessary sheets and wastes paper, consequently increasing the chances of a blockage upon flushing. By contrast, a front-facing roll moves the tear force toward the perpendicular, making tears more effective and providing a more natural experience. You wouldn’t place a book on a shelf with the spine inwards, then reach all the way around to pull it back out. Using toilet paper should be as logical a process. 70% of Americans agree.

Moving from the charter to the throne itself: modern flush toilets became the popular standard in the late 19th century, and have remained largely unchanged in both function and design since then — I trust you’re familiar with both. And yet, while the usage of this tool seems obvious, we’ve managed to contrive a dilemma between the sexes over the proper default position of the seat.

Biologically, men have the privilege of lifting the seat and remaining standing while doing their business, whereas women require the seat to be down. The default resting state of the seat usually corresponds with the gender of the last user, always to the chagrin of the next opposite-gendered user. I cannot defend one orientation over the other without bias. Since a common denominator exists which is usable by both men and women (seat down), any privileged option should carry equal responsibility, that is, if a man chooses to lift the seat, it is his responsibility to replace it in the position which does the most good for both men and women. A compromise exists, however, if this responsibility is deemed too great, in the man simply learning to… channel his privilege through the opening of a lowered seat, allowing him to stand while leaving the seat in an acceptable position for the next user, regardless of their gender.

Shifting our focus to another drain, the debate continues on whether or not a shower drain is allowed to share responsibility with it’s shorter, squatter cousin. Hygienically, the mixture of dirt, germs and other foreign particles we carry on the outside of our bodies presents a larger threat to our health than anything that comes from inside of it. 95% of our liquid effluence is water and in many cases even safe to drink — let that rest the question of whether it is safe to wash it away with the sweat of the day. In terms of efficiency, a single toilet flush is federally capped at 1.6 gallons, and showers run at an average of 2.1 gallons per minute. Supposing a single relief session lasts less than a minute and that you were going to take a shower anyway, the conscientious bather combines these activities to save both water and time.

Bathroom activities are often treated shyly in spite of their universality. With communication, however, comes understanding, so, for the betterment of all us, please heed my advice and do not let it go to waste.

Writer, Dreamer, Collector of Broken Things

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