The 4 Pop-Tart Packaging Options, Ranked (by Mitch Hausfeld)
As the world slowly descends further into chaos every day, there are probably a lot of questions that are rattling around in your brain, like:
“How will I care for my relatives if, god forbid, one of them falls ill?”
“Oh shit, did I just touch my face?”
“If I get pinned between a motor scooter and a $79 plywood TV stand at Walmart while trying to fight for the last roll of toilet paper, will I have the courage to saw through my own arm “127 Hours-style” in order to get free?”
“Am I getting the most out of my Pop-Tart purchasing behavior?”
Some of these questions, I feel more qualified to provide an answer to than others. I’m not a doctor, so I’ll ignore the first. The answer to the second is yes, and you just did again as you were reading this sentence. The third is more of a personal, introspective answer that I’ll leave you to decide on your own.
The fourth, however, is where my years of expertise have finally paid off. Malcolm Gladwell has a theory that, in order to truly master a skill, one must perform that skill for 10,000 hours. Now — while this theory is basically just feel-good mumbo-jumbo that has been debunked countless times — I believe that by Mr. Gladwell’s definition, I am an expert on the art of both purchasing and consuming Pop-Tarts. Don’t believe me? Take a quick look at these rankings and let me know if you disagree:
4. The 2-Pack
Not once, in my long history of eating these delicious pastries filled with questionable fruit/sugar-like goo, have I gone out and purposefully sought to buy a 2-pack of Pop-Tarts. This sad, plastic package serves two specific purposes in our society:
- A last resort option in vending machines
- A last resort hangover cure in a questionable gas station at 10:30 in the morning
In both scenarios, both Pop-Tarts will undoubtedly be stale — because, again, no one actually goes out of their way to buy these things.
Even as a staunch defender of Pop-Tarts as a staple of a good morning’s breakfast (despite their lack of nutritional value and questionable ingredients), the Pop-Tart 2-pack is something I cannot endorse.
3. The 48-Pack
See, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, but Mitch, aren’t more Pop-Tarts better than less? Isn’t having a ready supply of 48 Pop-Tarts on hand at all times something that you’d be all for?”
That’s fair and that’s a valid question, but the answer is no. I’m not a psychopath.
The 48-pack of Pop-Tarts is strictly reserved for travelling circuses, the Watt family and other large groups of massive human beings. No sane individual has the right to purchase a 48-pack of Pop-Tarts and still act as if they’re a functioning member of society.
Imagine the look of shame on your mother’s face if she visits your apartment, looks in your trash can (as mothers do) and sees 11 unwrapped silver packages of Pop-Tarts lying about. Now imagine the look of horror on her face when she opens your cupboard only to reveal a monstrous box with 13 more unopened packages.
Is that a burden you’re comfortable bearing?
2. The 8-Pack
Ah, the 8-pack of Pop-Tarts. The 8-pack is reminiscent of simpler times. Times when you would have been jailed for the mere suggestion of making a box with 48 Pop-Tarts in it and things like Dunkin & KFC’s donut-chicken sandwich monstrosity didn’t exist yet.
These were the days when 4 silver packages of Pop-Tarts were enough to get you through to your next grocery trip. Waist lines were approximately 11 inches narrower and the average human was about 1 Pomeranian dog lighter.
While those statistics are completely made up, the sentiment associated with this package of Pop-Tarts is very real. The 8-pack of Pop-Tarts is like a refurbished Model-T that you see driving on backroads on a nice day: retro, cool to see every once in awhile but usually only owned by someone over the age of 60.
- The 12-Pack
You know it, you love it. Any good Pop-Tart connoisseur knows that the 12-pack is the cream of the crop when it comes to Pop-Tart packaging.
With 12 Pop-Tarts in 6 sleek silver packages, the 12-Pack fits perfectly in between weekly-to-semi-weekly grocery runs — and even leaves room for you to eat something that was actually grown in the Earth on one day of the week!
The 12-pack is always flying off the shelves, so your odds of freshness are significantly higher than the other packages. Plus, you get the luxury of having more Pop-Tarts than the 8-pack without being put on the “Purchaser of a 48-pack of Pop-Tarts” watchlist.
The 12-pack of Pop-Tarts is the true Goldilocks principle of the packaged, sugar pastry world. Not too many, not too little, but just the right amount of chalky bread and goo to get your day off to a great start.
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If you can’t tell, social distancing has already slowly started to drive me insane. If you enjoyed this, let me know on Facebook or on Twitter @mitchhausfeld.
