19 Cruel “Growing-Up” Truths I Found Out The Hard Way
Nobody asked me if I wanted to be an adult.
Never once did my life-plan of achieving awesomeness include what my current day-to-day looks like. Nope, not once were my true feelings considered. Instead, adulting was thrust upon me like a topless, overly hairy, and profusely sweaty middle-aged dude at a pick-up game.
I’m not gonna lie to you — it’s a struggle.
All the expectations to manage my baggage, demands to produce, bills, and money that seems to disappear faster than Phelps in the butterfly — it’s a heavy load. And if I’m being totally honest, all I want is to build a blanket fort, read comic books by flashlight, and listen to Smashmouth. But no! Apparently that sort of thing is frowned upon once the maliciously-sadistic and never-ending chapter of adulting arrives.
That said, if you’re already in the massive club of mediocrity known as “adulthood” — allow this stereotypical millennial to self-righteously complain about all the things that aren’t my fault.
If by the grace of God you’re still in school and haven’t ventured into the great crap-storm known as, “growing-up” — read on, take notes, and be afraid. Be very afraid.
A few reasons why becoming an adult ruined my life:
- Realizing how wrong you were to hate nap-time as a child.
- No more Spider-Man bubble bath.
- Mom doesn’t make my appointments anymore.
- No longer eating Spaghetti O’s for lunch and dinner in the same day.
- Paying students loans while attempting to save for my kids’ education.
- Being poor.
- No more recess.
- Saturday morning cartoons are replaced with mowing the lawn.
- 27% of your life is lost to staff meetings.
- Meeting your health insurance deductible is your new Christmas morning.
- Grocery shopping on the weekends…along with everyone else at the exact same time no matter when you go.
- Laughing at that infomercial slowly morphing into, “I might need that”.
- Play-dates, which are notorious for including babies, strollers, diapers, tiny human slings, and discussions of mortgage loans.
Yep, you literally have to owe someone money — preferably thousands of dollars — in order to be considered a real working human.
- “Why does my body hurt so much?!” = New favorite phrase.
- Forever three years behind in finding good music. Bump that up to five once kids arrive.
- Pinterest becomes your live-in, slightly-drunk, poor-man’s Martha Stewart.
- Adulting is looking at your spouse or best friend on a near daily basis to say: “Remember when we used to be fun?”.
I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS!
Now that it’s out of my system, excuse me while I go change my daughter’s poopey-diaper, and return to working for corporate America.