Why not Jeff Goldblum World?

“He’s not the hero we deserve, Jeff Goldblum is the hero we need”

There is a new Jurassic Park on the horizon, this time however the horizon has significantly expanded and somehow become a whole entire world. It will probably be really good with lots of eye piercing special effects. The CGI is sure to last the test of time, at least until the DVD release where the ageing process can be offset by the poor quality of the pirated rip you got from that Pirate Bay proxy your mate sent you a link to. It’s even got a thinner version of that fat guy from that television program that was funny, Chris Pratt (by name only) is in everything now.

For this movie they also have created a brand new dinosaur type creature that’s sure to make palaeontologists the world over judder in dismay as their craft is mocked in stunning high definition. This new monster (dinosaur(thing)) is very intelligent and will kill anything that moves but what about things that don’t move? Is this a reference to the infamous ‘It’s vision is based on movement’ thing that brought me success so many times as a teenager, trying to evade the milkman at 5 in the morning while trying to steal pints of milk? A milkman’s sight is very similar to that of a T-Rex, based on movement and similar to a T-Rex also hungry for human muscle tissue.

The main thing that gets me though is the lack of original cast, they were great right! The woman that used to look like your Mom but as time drags on looks more and more like someone your own age that you would date and then eventually will probably look like your Daughter, then you’ll feel guilty. The guy that was Merlin for a bit and had a strange fetish for getting a claw out and going “Hey kid, I’ve got a real dinosaur claw, what have you got? Nothing, you have nothing and you’re pathetic”. All while fear mongering the doctrine of Dinosaur-craft into the depths of the child’s shattered imagination. You have those little kids who are probably 40 now and the grey haired man that is just as cool as his brother. But someone more important is missing. The man so laid back that he makes Limbo itself feel inadequate, the golden boy, the man that made the first starring cameo role in hollywood history with The Lost World, it’s Jeff Goldblum.

What I am preposing is that we make a whole new movie. One set in a parallel universe where Jeff Goldblum is all of the dinosaurs and well let’s just keep people as people. I present Jeff Goldbloom World! or at least Park… come on, I’m sure someone out there has the scientific know-how to clone Jeff and create a weird park of ultra chilled out Chaos Theory retorting, almost killed by a dinosaur relaxing, curly haired bobbing, water putting on the hand of your potential wife dribbling Jeff Goldblooms. SURELY. Anyway it’s just a thought, Jeff has probably been doing alright, he recently showed up in an advert for General Electric directed by Tim Heidecker and I sincerely hope you check it out, if not for the full mouth over the screen transition.

It’s just a rant, the new Jurassic World throws many questions, I try to reason with my 4 year old pant wetting at the T-Rex roar self. From this reasoning spawned a terrifyingly beautiful image. My imagination has already created this magical Goldblum wonder world and I hope now to share this vision (curse) with you so that in your mind you can also run in terror from a pack of Velocerapti baring the face of the one and only Jeff Goldblum.