The evolution from “her” to “it”.
The most dangerous circumstances are when logical thoughts are mixed with emotions. Of course, like the attempted separation of church and state, a persons ability to avoid this lethal intellectual cocktail is nearly impossible. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t able to make the right decisions, or in the worst case learn the right lessons, however this immediate mix of the two worlds can make a simple process in theory very difficult, and nearly impossible.
I, Marco Auriti, am single. According to Frank Sinatra’s calendar I experienced my first official, committed relationship towards the “fall of my years”. Even just a few months ago I’d dive into the deep end of recollective memories to teach the importance of who she was, the influences in her life, the characteristics and issues in mind, the logical and rational approaches to how decisions were come too, and some vague but confidence inspiring phrase to convey the impression that I have my shit totally together and moving on in a healthy way. Sitting here right now, typing this out, I’m not in a position to share my story or most importantly, my lesson in that way.
Simply stated, the lesson I’m learning now is the shift of the emotional response to nostalgic moments or better yet, physical run ins is the conjoined reality of 1. you’re missing a memory of and not a potential reality, and 2. you’re missing “it”, and not “her”. There’s a difference between the two. I feel that the emotional strings pulled by general memories (the convoluted claims of general “happiness” and being “content”) are simply reflections of where you currently stand both personally and emotionally. If after a breakup, where similar to my situation, the opposing party has emotionally moved on to another relationship and you for all details excluded, have not, find yourself in momentary second panics. “man, did I walk away? Did I leave anything on the table? Was my perspective that off?” On the second note of missing “it”, I’ve found myself changing the perspective of the specific things I find missing, and how to change that attitude.
“Missing a memory” is being in a group of friends having a good time, attending a wedding together and having fun, making something out of at terrible situation and having it stand out, etc. “Missing her” are simply specific characteristics with that specific person — I loved to leave notes, and I loved that I knew exactly where to plant them. I loved taking care of little stuff around her place as she decompressed from a long day, I loved that I had mastered the ability to sneak out of her place without waking her, etc. So, where’s the light switch? This simple fact: you’re missing those it’s, those moments specific and exclusive to that person that reflected how good of an understanding or appreciation that you had of them.
So, call an uber for your emotions and sit down and have a chat with your logical, rational deductive thought process: although you can replicate many of those actions in current or future relationships, they’ll never carry the same weight, or feel the same as they did for that original relationship. Whats the perspective that you can’t lose? That if you’re open minded, communicative, and conscious enough in your future relationships to appreciate and hold onto those small moments, imagine how many more are to come in your life? I can say with confidence that no one will ever make her laugh the same way I did, but no one will ever make me happy in the same way she did doing those little things. Certain people tie can tie themselves to a specific song in your mind, but does your playlist consist of a single song?
Of course, your emotions will realize in the cab ride home that it left its keys at the bar and comes back around, making this incredibly clean approach all that more difficult: good. Its these brief moments, these emotional challenges, these intellectual ruts that make the strength and resilience that you use to push forward and grow.
Because, in the end, the only thing sweeter than the memory of what once was is the anticipation of what’s to come.