Three signs of a successful and healthy relationship

I have been in a few relationships and all of them ended in a ‘failure’. So who am I to tell about building successful long term relationships? Perhaps no one, or may I am someone because each of the failures taught me something new and learn how not to build a ‘bad’ relationship.
We all are brought up in a way to be broken from inside and when we grow older, it is our responsibility to fix what is broken. On the way, we will make mistakes and hurt others, and it’s just how it is — and then we have to forgive ourselves and learn and grow. It is not our fault how we were raised but it is our fault when we do not try to fix them.
I have been able to find what will make a good relationship through the failures. It basically comes down to three factors:
Desire vs Intimacy

All relationships start with desires — mostly physical desires. You look at someone, talk a bit and fall in love — that’s how we see in movies and we expect to happen to us also. There is nothing wrong with that approach but the desire needs to mature into intimacy. Intimacy leads to closeness, friendship, care, and growth. This is where two people feel one.
The main difference between desires and intimacy is, desires create this excitement while intimacy brings peace and calmness.
Ask the question, ‘Are you building the relationship based on desires or intimacy?’. If the focus is on desires (how great I feel with the person, how great sex is etc) then it is impossible to build a sustainable relationship. Because we know, deep down, desires can easily happen with others too. On the other hand, if we focus on intimacy — that is deeper, closer, based on friendship and care — that is much harder to find in today’s world.
You may think that intimacy takes time, but that's not true. It has to do with our approach and in fact, we can train our minds to feel intimate. One way to train is to imagine lying or sitting next to the person in silence.
In one of my previous relationships, both I and my partner got lost because we were spending a lot of time together and neglected other aspects of our lives. This is quite common in many relationships too, and its because we were driven by desires.
When relationships are based on intimacy, it is easy to let the person be free — and no need to be constant meet or touch.
Fear vs Vulnerability

The only way to truly love someone is to be completely vulnerable and be open to being hurt (and rejected). I was never open to be hurt, and that never made be experience love.
The question you need to ask, ‘The person you are with, can you be completely vulnerable with and vice-versa?’. Can you be with that person, even if, it does not work out at the end? If yes, then only go ahead.
Most of us live in fears, often false fears. We make up scenarios in our minds and think what if this happens, what if that happens — this is also called false fear[1].
False fear has a lot to do with our upbringing, our parents have taught us to protect us from this ‘horrible world’, and we are never taught to be vulnerable.
Build a relationship with someone with whom you can be completely vulnerable, and ready to be hurt. That is the only way to experience love.
“The more one forgets himself — by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love — the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself [2]”.
Feeling vs Decision

I have read that love is a decision and I believe very much so it is. The question you need to ask, ‘The person you are with, is he or she mature enough to make that same decision to be with you too?.’
In today’s world where we all are impatient that we give up too fast and too easily.
We are so obsessed with being happy, that the slightest hint of unhappiness makes us leave and look for happiness somewhere else — only to be disappointed again and again.
I have fallen victim to giving up easily. I have decided, that in my next relationship I will give everything before giving up. Remember, feelings may come and go, but if we decide to love someone — we are able to stick with the person and solve the problems.
But shall we never leave a relationship?
No, there are obvious reasons when one should leave. Abuse, violence, mental instability, narcissism are all no go. But if you have not experienced them and can build intimacy with someone, it’s worth keeping the decision even if has problems. I read this article ‘Thankfully, Life Is Full of Problems[3]’, and I loved the following paragraph
‘A more worthwhile problem would be to figure out how you two could put your differences aside, and how you could hang out with one another again. This is a big challenge, but one full of wisdom. It will teach you how to be a more sympathetic, more understanding, and more capable human being. Trying to solve this high-quality problem will yield life lessons that the lower-quality one will never be able to provide.’
Keep the decision of being together as long as you have high-quality problems and focus on solving them.
One question that always made me intrigued — were our parents or grandparents generation more or less happy than us, although they had much fewer choices. And I think they were happier because they made the decisions and stick to it. The condition is that the partners are willing to fight for a mutual aim and not against each other.
Don’t be in a friend zone. Really?
One of the things that make relationships so hard and with high failures is what media, popular culture, and movies tell us. Don’t enter into a friend zone, don’t share your emotions and feelings with your partner as it will scare him or her away. How many times I have heard, confuse the girl, do not show too much interest, etc, and she will come back to you. As if everything is a drama.
If the relationship starts with a drama, it surely will end with another drama.
A study was conducted of the most successful and happy relationships, and it was found there is one factor that is common in all of them — they are friends. Friends respect each other, friends care for each other, and friends are intimate (emotionally). In addition, a healthy dose of desires makes a good couple.
And people do learn and grow if there is an honest desire
I have also heard so many times, people do not change. People change and grow if there is a sincere effort into it. This article is proof of my change, and I am sure many can change too. But it is a long journey, which needs to start with getting rid of ego. An article on my journey to get rid of the ego.
So in summary, a relationship that is based on intimacy, vulnerability, and honest desire to be together even when problems come, is the relationship worth building.
I hope you found this article a good read and useful. Feel free to share with others.
References:
[1] The Fear Cure: Cultivating Courage as Medicine for the Body, Mind, and Soul
[2] https://medium.com/personal-growth/the-meaning-of-life-nobody-ever-told-you-30460f186c31
[3] https://humanparts.medium.com/thankfully-life-is-full-of-problems-35890975437a
