These Are The (Modern) Saints All Millennials Didn’t Know They Needed
Saints hold a special place in the hearts of some people. Want to find a lover? Some believe that hanging a San Antonio figurine upside down and pray, he will get you a lover. Others pray to San Francisco de Asis to make sure their pets are taken care of. These are great, but what about more modern saints to tackle the issues we millennials are really dealing with? Well, we thought the same thing and came up with a few of our own.
1. Santa Almohada to get your mom off your case on Saturday mornings.
Like the name implies, this saint is guaranteed to make sure that you are left en paz to sleep just a few minutes…or hours…longer.
2. Santa Buena Noticia to allow chisme into the right path…our ear canal.
Looking for good chisme? Well, give Santa Buena Noticia her offering of shade and before you know it, you’ll know everything about Lupe’s wild weekend in Vegas.
3. Santo Avo for that perfect shade of green.
Santo Avo has spent his life, and sainthood, make sure that all avocado lovers are taken care of. No matter what that little avocado has been through, one prayer to this saint will guarantee a flawless cut and beautifully rip avocado.
4. Santa Cara for a flawless selfie every single time.
This saint will always make sure that your contour pops, your lighting is on point, and your selfies are forever flawless.
5. Santo Chanclazo because we all need a little divine protection from flying chanclas.
We all know that it doesn’t matter how old you are. Think you can get a tattoo at 25 and it’s all cool? Think again and make sure you have this saint’s prayer handy so you can duck that dreaded chanclazo.
6. Santa Cruda will heal you from physical pain. Lack of dignity? Not so much.
Every Saturday it’s the same thing: pounding headache, dry mouth, and sooo much regret. Enter Santa Cruda. She won’t be able to erase the crazy sh•t you do, but she can make sure you wake up refreshed and ready to own up to your drunken mistakes.
7. Santo Palo to eternally capture life’s most meaningful moments.
Simple: our arms aren’t long enough to take a good selfie with the family. Thanks to this saint, we finally have the necessary tools.
8. Santa Cuenta for when your wallet doesn’t stack up next to the Bible.
You might want to pair this saint with Santa Cruda. The only thing worse that waking up with a hangover is waking up broke with a hangover.
9. Santo Weefee when you need holy access to the everlasting world of the Internet.
Keep this one close so you don’t go over your data limit. Nothing ruins a vacation like going over your data limit.
10. Santa Gana ftw.
Attention Manchester United fans: This saint has one purpose and that’s to help your team finally win. Just send up a little prayer up to Santa Gana and you’ll finally be able to brag to your friends.
11. Santo Elo because only something of celestial capacities can ever get his attention.
Make sure you keep this card handy on your nights out. Santo Elo won’t be able to provide you with a midnight elote, but he can surely give you a fair chance of catching the elotero.
12. Santa Sana mi barriguita.
Having a hard time with your diet? Don’t worry. We’ve all been there. Luckily, there’s finally a saint just for you! That’s right. Santa Sana is all about helping you stay on your diet…even if she has to slap that concha out of your hands.
13. Santo Silencio for when you need spiritual help to keep the chisme sealed in.
If you do have a hard time stick to your diet (or just doing you all single and stuff) this saint will always keep the chismosa and nosy tía silent.
14. Santa Llamada to help illuminate the path directly to your long lost phone.
Nothing is more devastating that losing your phone. Since this is a new problem, a new saint has come along to make sure that your little mobile device is never too far gone when you need it most.