People You Might Be

M. Jagger Chicolini
Jan 2, 2017 · 3 min read

You might be a person who shops for riding lawn mowers on the World Wide Web. I have shopped for many things in the World Wide Web, including (but not limited to) Lucky Charms, mail-order brides, and hickory dickory dock clocks. However, I have never shopped for a riding lawn mower on the World Wide Web so although we have some things in common, we are also different.

You might be a person who pronounces “route” like “gout” or “trout”, but I prefer to pronounce “route” like “what the fruitcake was that show Roots all aboots”. Well, Roots is about slavery and it’s like a documentary but it’s not because we couldn’t have video cameras until the abolition of slavery. God rewarded us with good things after the abolition of slavery, and video cameras are good.

You might be a person who swims on their back, which is a fine way to swim if you like staring directly in the sun and splashing water up your nose and in your eye holes. I have met many people who swim this way who are knowledgeable in many fields, like arithmetic and Norse mythology, but they are perhaps not knowledgeable in the field of proper swimming. Eat your Wheaties, back swimmers.

You might be a person who rides the bicycle on the sidewalk instead of the bike lane that taxpayers like myself have paid for so that you don’t have to ride your bike on the sidewalk. If you are this person, you are no person at all but instead an empty and hollow shell of the person you could have been before you disgraced your family and spread the seed of anarchy amongst the fertile soil of urban America. If you are this person, I will not share my bran muffin with you and I will not pretend to enjoy playing Monopoly with you and I will not pay taxes anymore because of you.

You might be a person or you might be a sorcerer from the underground realm of Tagsia. If you are a sorcerer, I beg you to have mercy on this kingdom. We have only scrolls of bronze and are young in our apprenticeship to the throne of Kraw (who is not Karen but sometimes can be autocorrected to Karen against our will). Please, take your magic bark dust and leave us in peace.

You might not be any of these people, in which case you should be a doctor or a lawyer. These are good things to be if you like Costco items and smiling, even in the winter months. But you don’t have to be those persons to be a person. You just have to be your person. Happy trails to you, for being a person worth being. Congratulations. Skip the lines with Disney FastPass. Thank you, very good. My pleasure. Sincerely. A bow and a clap. Hugs and kisses. Scrumptious. Light as a feather. You can dance if you want to. What goes around comes around. Ain’t no mountain high enough. God speed. Amen.

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