Things To Try Out When You’re Not Plotting To Steal The Mona Lisa

Stealing the Mona Lisa requires a lot of preparation, which can be taxing on the body and spirit. You deserve a break before you go hooty booty honkers bonkers mad loco! Instead of procuring a flaming motorcycle and working for the Devil as a bounty hunter of the damned, go ahead and try some of the funky fresh ideas below to relieve stress and achieve a zen state of mind.

  • Zoboomafoo
  • Chronologically hide dino nuggets between the cushions of your favorite sofa (each cushion represents a different period — Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous)
  • Hopscotch, but each square portrays a character from The Brady Bunch and whoever does a 540 twist jump on Carol’s face gets bonus points
  • Impress all your blind friends and learn the lyrics to “The Safety Dance” in braille
  • Recreate the first season of “Blue’s Clues” with one simple twist — instead of talking to a dog, you talk to an inanimate mass of blue cheese (otherwise known as gorgonzola, if you want to climb the social ladder)
  • Put a plastic bag across your head and pretend to be Barry Manilow
  • Go for a jog at your local Wal-Mart Supercenter. Drink a bottle of shampoo between laps 4 and 5 for an added challenge
  • Invest in the stalk market: apparently cauliflower stalk is low this time of year, and can be used as pizza crust instead of traditional dough if you desire to live a life devoid of happiness, warmth, and acceptance
  • Human skin can be hard to live in. Take yours off with a cheese grater and embrace a new definition of the phrase “existential crisis”
  • Eat 6 chips
  • Pretend to enjoy the great outdoors, for the sake of your Instagram fans
  • Carefully place Yukon gold potatoes in the mufflers of every over-sized truck you come across in a Home Depot parking lot
  • Have a competition with your friends to see who can learn how to say “I fill my jacuzzi tub with Splenda, how splendid!” in as many languages as possible. Don’t have any friends? Congratulations, you have already won!
  • Stretch daily until you can chew your toenails
  • U r a monkey, where is ur barrel?
  • Mold a wax figure that symbolizes democracy, such as the Statue of Liberty or Ronald Reagan’s favorite pipe, then burn it while listening to tribal percussion rhythms. Stick it to the man, Paul Revere
  • Watch the entire Air Bud series, live tweeting every game
  • Build an altar to a Greek god that is also a brand of yogurt
  • Make small talk with strangers at the gym and insist that you are their fitness pal
  • Replace all of your plates with crash cymbals and listen to Rush during all of your meals
  • Change your name to Greg and alter your resume to include “inventor of the calendar”
  • Do your laundry

Whatever you do, don’t let anything distract you from your ultimate objective which is and always will be to steal the Mona Lisa.

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Ed Yong
Mar 25 · 22 min read

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