7 Ways To Know If Your Lamp Is Working For The Russians, And How To Stop It Before It’s Too Late

Although the Cold War ended when Boy George saved The America with global warming, the Russians are still on the prowl and hungry for Apple Jacks. You can’t trust anyone or anything. This helpful guide is meant to aid you in detecting Judas Iscariots and saving our country from the filth that is “communism”.

NOAAGRAVANTE VIA FLICKR
  1. Your lamp knows every lyric to every ABBA song ever

In the early 1970’s, a young group of talented Russians were brought together by fate, disco, and the Motherland. Scouted by Vladimir Putin himself, Benny, Frida, Agnetha, and Björn were given an imperative mission: lull the Westerners into a state of complacency. Through a series of strategically written Europop ditties, ABBA conspired against the forces of capitalism with lines like “Money money money, must be funny, in the rich man’s world” and “Everything is fine, you’re in the mood for a dance, and when you get the chance, you are the dancing queen”. Such lines became the subliminal voice of communism and if your lamp knows them by heart, be wary.

2. Your lamp turns the AC down below 67 and then pretends not to know what Fahrenheit is

Russia is always lower than 67 degrees and not one single Russian has ever heard of a Fahrenheit. The implications are obvious.

3. Your lamp doesn’t have a favorite Disney princess

If your lamp is abnormally wishy-washy when it comes to choosing a favorite Disney princess, then your lamp could be a Russian spy. I have met three Russian spies in my lifetime and not one could name a favorite. They often tried to fool me, saying that it was a real toss up between Bell’s brains and Jasmine’s body, but I didn’t buy it for one second. A true Russian spy won’t be able to confidently support a specific Disney princess.

4. Your lamp is from IKEA

From the dominant blue and yellow color scheme to the Russian meatballs and lingonberry sauce, everything about IKEA screams “I am Russia, also known as the Russian Federation, I span 11 time zones and I share maritime borders with Japan by the Sea of Okhotsk and the U.S. state of Alaska across the Bering Strait”. When you purchased your lamp from IKEA, you might have noticed that it didn’t say anything. Not even a word. You had to rely solely on pictures just to put it together…why is that, you might ask? A good spy knows when to talk, and when to keep silent. Your lamp observed your every action and took note of each character flaw you displayed as you angrily put it together for the third time in a row. Your lamp knows you better than you know yourself.

5. Your lamp prefers soccer to baseball

Soccer is a communist sport and baseball is the great American pastime. Soccer is played by foreigners and pansies and baseball is played by farmers and small town heroes. Soccer has two syllables and baseball has three.

6. Your lamp eats all of your Apple Jacks

THIS IS THE MOST TELLING TRAIT OF A RUSSIAN SPY. Be ye warned, it is not the dog that is eating your Apple Jacks. In fact, if the lamp has had it’s way, your dog is at the bottom of a cold mountain lake and will never taste the delicate crunch of perfectly toasted Apple Jack. No, it is not the beast that is to blame. Russians have invaded a majority of Eastern Europe for the sole purpose of procuring the crunchy, sweetened multi-grain cereal with apple, cinnamon and 8g or more of whole grains per serving. The lamp is only there for your Apple Jacks. No amount of light it provides will change that.

7. Your lamp likes John Lennon

Not John Lennon of The Beatles, but John Lennon the RUSSIAN COMMUNIST. ‘Nuff said.

If your have noticed two or more of the above behaviors in your lighting appliance, I offer the following advice: Stop communism at all costs, toss your lamp out of a third story window today.