Loneliness in African Women: Are we doing enough about it?

Can you imagine posting on Facebook that you are lonely, you have been inside your house for days eating bad food, looking after your child alone, drinking alcohol, watching day TV shows all day or Netflix, have not integrated fully in the British society but can’t talk about it, I bet you will no longer have virtual friends, you will be accused of laziness, pumping the UK Tax payers money and you will be avoided and isolated big time!

In the beginning of the year 2016, I was listening to woman hour weekend special when a woman spoke about her loneliness after the death of her husband.

She gave a very emotional account on how she was surviving her loneliness by creating a good life for herself through activities. I felt so inspired by her strength and courage but also as Oprah often say I had an Aha moment.

I started learning how loneliness is affecting African women and came across an article written by Nigerian Author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie later removed by the Guardian.

The article did not really talk about loneliness but depression. Terminology matters here and whichever words we use will not really highlight the vital importance of the issue of loneliness in African women’s lives.

I recently confidentially surveyed around 30 women in Africa and in the diaspora about loneliness and asked their views about the subject matter, 95% of the women told me that they do feel lonely from times to times; this was alarming.

These African women work extremely hard to support their husbands, families, and children in Africa and outside Africa. They hold high-level various positions in very challenging environments in Africa and in Europe, and also hard Blue-color jobs like working in supermarket with long shifts, cleaning, nursing. Often nobody cares about this work-force, they are just African women seeking better lives in Europe! They can cope in comparison to what they left home!

The Reality is, whilst they have friends, and an “entourage” they can reach out to when things gets bad, the women feel lonely but cannot talk about it openly. Loneliness is not a western indulgent and stigma alone, the lineage of lonely women in Africa is also generational.

There is a myth that African women are strong and never feel lonely. As Angelle Kwemo, Founder of Believe Africa rightfully put it, “sometimes, the more accomplished you become, the more lonely you become. It is like being silently alone in the mist of a noisy crowd.”

Decoding what the women meant by loneliness and why they cannot talk about it made me truly sad and confused as an African woman living in the UK. Some women told me that they have not spoken to someone for weeks. I can really relate, I often felt lonely especially living the South East of England while raising my son and building my business. The support from women and African women network is non-existent, most of us often feel like a burden to the British Society and our pride stops us from asking for help or even opening up. A lonely or depressed black woman is scary; therefore nobody wants to get involved, they tend to feel pity about your situation. I noticed this when the Female Genital mutilation event where being held in London, suddenly it become an uncomfortable topic to discuss despite the crimes being committed in the UK.

A report by City University London and human rights organisation Equality Now estimated that 4.7% of women in Southwark have had the procedure, while one in 10 (10.4%) girls are living there who were born to mothers who have had it.”

Can we really say that those women and girls will never feel lonely at one stage or even often in their lives? This sort of attitudes does not help African women escape their lonely houses and flats and we must have more empathy and compassion.

I wonder if it will help in creating more localised networks where African women can feel comfortable in sharing and discussing their issues.

With all these women digitally acute, can technology help them meet more women, network and share ideas? Instead of avoiding women of colour when we meet them because of our assumptions and prejudices, can we just have more empathy and even say hello. Surely the silence must be eradicated!

After all, we all go through tough time, but connecting more, detecting small signals even on Facebook and other social media networks, can help African women discuss this crucial issue and get the support they need! Life is not all glamorous. Don’t count on likes, reach out!

If you ever feel lonely, don’t be shy! Tweet me for a chat or join Africa Gathering.