Darkside Tekken and the power of Ed Sheeran

Dear Diary

I left my book at home but need to get this out.

About 5 days its been and I spiralled I spiralled until one night I played Ed Sheeran and like a helium balloon bloodstream brang me up and kept me where I needed to be.

Theres that moment in Tekken where Jin goes dark side and his player turns into a devil like character with fire breathing abilities. Losing all capability to be as flexible or perform normal moves. Such is the dark side of the emotional spectrum rigidity fire and distance.

Ive crossed over now. This week I am going to trial reciprocity. If the other does this I am going to respond in equal measure no more no less. This is one of those times where I wish my only follower was not following. Its a separate issue regarding someone else yet impacting on all areas of my life. It ends today this hour this minute.

Heres my bullet of truth aimed point blank to the heart.

The ones I let in keep a standard granted life happens but under appreciation is dangerous. I have to keep myself in check and not let a rocky week shake the whole boat.

The last time I felt under appreciation it was a best friend. I let her go when I began asking for help and it wasnt reciprocated. I gave it a year then closed my heart. Ying and Yang in all things give and take. It was a lesson in growing up and forging my own life we had good times and are now on good terms. But shes no longer family. That bridge crumbled under the reality of what it was.

Maybe thats why my back is up now. Its not enough to warrant concern like pouring the petrol on now. It just means I pull back this decision ways heavy on me. I hope it reveals a willingness for them to step up. If not it was not worth saving anyway.

Darkside says burn the boat and warm yourself with the flames. Conversly the world is a big place cant jump ship every time there are waves. Today I wanted to. I thought about. Jumping ship and letting the whole thing go up in flames.

Instead Ill reciprocate. Its against my nature but its a matter of self respect now. The reality is it is how it is. My ego is bruised trying to help and getting rejected. So Ill stop. Its not my place to rescue. By crowd ing them with help they wont grow the resilience to do it on their own. Cant mother everyone.

I disattach and walk away. My matches saved for another day. If it goes down then up in flames. The pyros still alive in me.

The things I can control what I choose to burn and what I dont.