Part II: The Rise of the Angry Majority
BREAKING NEWS: Trumpcleotide Syndrome, most people call it TS, because most people who contract it don’t know how to pronounce it, has officially became a bigger threat to humanity than the Zika Virus.
I’ve fortunately had the TS vaccine injected already: my shepherd thought it would help me be a better human. I think I have enough empathy and understanding to finally go to Trump University and hand out some of those Werthers Originals caramels that all old folks have in their white-washed Kohls jeans. and hopefully chat with some of the TS victims.
I’m entering the lobby now and the receptionist was hibernating so I decided to just walk into the TS ward. I know it’s an epidemic, but I’m hoping that the most of the TS victims haven’t advanced to stage Lion. Maybe I can help the young ones? I really don’t want my head to be ripped off today because they don’t like color of my candy. Most of the lions I see are loud, grey, and angry and apparently live in states I have traditionally just flown over. I guess most of them haven’t been able to hunt for food because they’re in so much debt. They told me that after they’re done with Trump University, they will be the most successful predators known to man. We were all just herded into a large conference room for what looks like either a rally or quite possibly a circus. Strange…they’re all giving me weird looks and, for some odd reason, no one wants the Werthers Originals caramels because they “don’t eat brown or black candy, just white.” I thought old creatures always like Werthers Originals? Maybe I should have just brought some big, beautiful marshmallows.
I’ve never seen so many lions in one place roaring and screaming so loud. The ‘Mufasa’ figure of the pride, named Lionald Trump just walked on stage. He is for some reason wearing a red hat, and has a protudingly large, orange mane of hair. For being such a powerful and angry leader, Lionald’s paws are surprisingly small. It makes me wonder about his ability to procreate offspring that won’t be doomed by natural selection. He told the other Lions that his hands are big and he guarantees that he’s big down there too. He called Darwin a phony and to not believe in that Origin of the Species bullshit.
Update: I just got kicked out of the rally because Lionald said sheep aren’t allowed, only lions. But I do see a pack of the cute cubs outside gnawing on some of those delicious Trump Steaks. Sometimes I wish they were still made because anything Trump’s name on it has to be good. I approached them and they actually liked the caramels and surprisingly agreed to listen. It’s nice to know that not all lions are bad. Some of the sheep I know are bad too.
Alright I’ll get to it. Here’s a Message to You, Trump Supporter
I’ve been interviewed by every single major news media outlet and several talk shows. I’m starting to understand how the media works. And what I learned is that the media doesn’t understand you. Every time they attack Trump, you feel attacked, enraged, and increasingly more isolated from the ‘mainstream.’ They don’t listen to you because they don’t understand your struggles, worries, and concerns. It seems like the louder they get, the more deaf they become. But, maybe they’re right, and that doesn’t make you wrong.
The silent majority isn’t silent anymore. You have a story to tell and a large captive audience. Anger for anger’s sake isn’t your actual story. I think it’s time for you to tell the rest of us what you actually want. If compromise is central to Trump’s stump speeches and his renowned deal-making ability, then we should all sit down and do just that — negotiate. Let’s channel our anger together constructively towards solutions that will help us, the angry majority.
I’d come to a rally with you, not to heckle or protest, but to listen to your concerns, fears, and worries. This wouldn’t be to attack you; I just want to understand you so we can start working together on solutions to Make America Great Again for everyone, because All Lives Matter.
Although we might have fundamental differences of opinion, I think we want to solve the same problems, some of which I mentioned below:
Illegal Immigration: Yes, this is a real, complex threat to our national security. You might want to build a big beautiful wall and deport all the Mexicans who come over the border to “rape, kill, and sell drugs” — and have Mexico to pay for it, of course. I also want to build a big beautiful wall, but around Washington D.C.; I wouldn’t mind deporting a majority of our politicians as well who cross over the Washington border unethically — and have lobbyists pay for it, of course.
Economic Growth: I know you feel like America has left you behind. For 40 years, and under both Republican and Democratic presidencies, your wages are falling and your jobs are being sent overseas. You feel like your just another cost to cut. That you’re disposable. Expendable. You don’t trust politics because it’s a rigged system in favor of the wealthy and powerful, to keep them wealthy and powerful. Elections are bought by the 1 percent, the very people who have become increasingly richer and at your expense.
Climate Change: Apparently the Donald wants to eliminate the EPA. Like most bureaucratic government organizations, there’s obviously corruption, and significant changes are surely needed. Climate change is scary and a lot of people are angry about it. The majority of people and businesses,and even conservatives like Mitt Romney, acknowledge that climate change is one of humanities most existential threats. The problem is that in most places and for especially for the average american, it’s too difficult, costly, time consuming, unmeasured, and unrewarded. If it was as easy for you make small sustainable behavioral changes and actually get rewarded, maybe we would actually start recycling, using public transit, and carpooling more. That’s why my business partner and I created Green Changes, an app that makes it easy, fun, and rewarding for anyone to start making small changes to fight climate change.