A Quiet Day

How the mind can turn on you quickly

The mind begins to wander. Mindlessly painting chairs, sitting under the sun, idle thoughts turn dark. A simple task goes from an hour alone in nature’s silence to a heart-pounding tempest of stress. Suddenly, this simple task reveals itself as an insurmountable challenge.

This tiny chore is nothing compared to managing our finances. Finding a new job or keeping my current one. Buying a new house. Suddenly this simple, mindless task has led to a panic attack. Everything that can create any modicum of worry floods my mind at once. So many issues, all attacking simultaneously.

I stop painting. I feel my heartbeat in my head, my throat, and my gut. I hear my heartbeat getting louder and louder, drowning out all other sounds. My vision is blurred and my mind is racing. I am jumping from thought to thought, the anxiety building with each memory or idea.

I am having a panic attack. Or is it worse — a heart attack? At least this time I know it’s happening. I can tell it’s a panic attack. After years of this, I understand what is happening. I can’t control it, I can’t stop it, but I recognize it.

An hour of painting, enjoying the outdoors and the sun’s warmth, turned a nice Saturday into a panic attack. I can’t explain why. I don’t know why. A minor chore, conducted in silence, has devastated me. Overcome with anxiety, I have to stop. But I can’t. It wont help anything. It won’t solve anything. I can stop painting now but the panic attack continues. Life’s risks are still there. The fear of the unknown has crippled me.

I stand up and my vision crumbles. Tunnel vision has set in and I become dizzy. I bend at the waist, trying to prevent a blackout. My body know aches in pain, some from the chore, but most created in my head. Everything is dark — my vision, my thoughts, and my future.

In a few minutes the panic subsides and now I just feel useless. I couldn’t finish a simple task. I couldn’t enjoy a beautiful day. Instead I remember how my brain, when not distracted, can cripple me. My brain must be distracted at all times for my own good. Without distraction I can focus and when I focus I only see fear. I see fear in everything. I see fear in results. I see fear in choices.

I find joy in distraction. It calms me. It numbs me. It helps.