Breaking up is hard to do

I don’t know where to start or how to end it…I sit up suddenly in the bed..

I want a divorce ( but we’re not married) I want a separation ( with no

Hurt feelings) that’s impossible …I want to slink off during the night

Never to be seen again..that would be cruel, I simply want to live alone

I quietly leave the bed and make my way to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee to help me think of how to end this relationship gracefully ( is that ever possible? ) no, it isn’t …what will my ( grown) children think? Do I care? ( of course I do) but still I have rights as a woman I am more than just their mother…I can leave the cupboard I have been placed in by them…do I hate this man that’s been by my side for twenty odd years? Of course not. He’s not a monster…I’ve simply changed..it’s been gradual but I realized that somewhere between my thirties and now I lost part of myself and now suddenly I’m back and I remember that other part of me and she’s not going away….i want to live alone…with no questions or schedules but my own…am I scared? Yes, I am a bit but I feel l am living a lie and I need to be honest with myself and others..so here I am typing these words in the middle of the night….words I’m afraid to say aloud in the light of day.

How do I start over?